Thursday, December 11, 2008

How do I let go of the fear?

You would think being nearly 20 weeks, I would feel better about this whole pregnancy situation.

I have had 7 ultrasounds. One was with a perinatologist not even two weeks ago. All I have heard is how wonderful this baby girl looks. I feel so optimistic and happy, and am just glowing with excitement. Then something happens. I don’t know what it is. I wish I could pin point the exact moment or trigger that sends me into a panic. A sweating, heart-pounding panic. I am sitting in my office today, and all of the sudden, I start thinking – what if she just stopped breathing. Would I feel it? Would I cramp or spot? What if she isn’t breathing right now and there is nothing I can do about it? I didn’t check the heartbeat on my Doppler last night because we got home so late. We went to a basketball game, and didn’t get home until 10:30. What if she stopped breathing yesterday? Should I not go to step today? Should I go home and check the Doppler?

So here I sit, paralyzed with fear. And out comes google. Evil, evil google. It is almost like I step outside my body, and watch myself googling “miscarriage at 20 weeks.” Why am I doing this? I know the answer. I know what I am going to find. Stop, Megan. Just stop. But I keep going. I google “signs of second trimester miscarriage.” I go through the check list: no, don’t have any bleeding. Nope, no contractions. I haven’t smoked or drank. Just when I start to feel better – I read “sometimes there are no signs of a late miscarriage. Sometimes it just happens.” Tears are now coming down my face. What if it just happened and I don’t even know it?

Then I start thinking about all the people who told me I should be feeling clear movement by now. Why can’t I feel her? Shouldn’t I be feeling her by now? Nevermind the fact that my doctor told me it is totally normal to not feel things yet.

Is all of this worry irrational? I really don’t know. I don’t know if it has anything to do with infertility. Or the fact that I already lost a baby. Or maybe it is just that I love her so much, it makes me ache.

Every day is not like this for me. In fact, most days aren’t. Most days are great. Most of the time I am not a ticking time bomb. I know that all I can do is try to take care of my body the best I know how. And pray.

I always thought once you get pregnant, it gets easier. Then I thought, once I see a heartbeat, it will be easier. No, once I get out of the first trimester, it will be easier. WHEN? When is it going to get easier?

But after all of this, I have come to a decision: My love for Paige is greater than my fear of losing her. My love for Paige is greater than my fear of losing her. My love for Paige is greater than my fear of losing her.

Of this, I am certain. This is the only truth I can hang on to. Nothing else matters.

I came straight home from work, went right for the Doppler, and found her beautiful heartbeat right away. I feel so blessed right now!


Callie said...

I, and probably every other mother out there can feel your pain. I dont personally know the feeling of a lose, so I am sure it just makes things so much harder. I felt the same feelings... it doesnt get easier, you continue to think like that. I think its just your mind playing tricks on you, and as a mother sometimes we always think of the absolute worst scenario first. Just know that there are people to talk to about all of these things and I am one of them. I hope you have a better day today, and dont stress or worry too much. Just know your not the only one out there thinking this way... believe me there are plenty of us!

Our Path to Parenthood said...

You sound like me. 2 losses, IF and finally pregnant and 23 weeks now with a perfect boy. Tons of ultrasounds and a level 2 that shows a healthy baby. Cannot relax. I always thought once we saw a heartbeat I would be fine, then it was once we are out of the first trimester, then once we have our big u/s. I feel movement every day and listen on the doppler everyday. My new mantra is once we hit viability I will relax. I don't think it will ever happen, but know you aren't alone in your fears.

Jeff and Kerry said...

STOP GOOGLING!!!!!!!!!!! nft