Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Once again, we are headed to Las Vegas to ring in 2009. I am the perfect “amount” of pregnant right now. I am feeling great, lots of energy – perfect for traveling! This is how I always pictured it would be.
Christmas was great. We went to College Station to be with David’s family. We had to run to Wallgreens one night to get some ice cream, and I had a weird feeling of déjà vu. Last Christmas, we went to that same Wallgreens – to buy pregnancy tests. I had a feeling I might be pregnant. We know I was not – if you refer to the first paragraph, you will see I got my period a few days after Christmas and started a Clomid cycle in January. This time, I sat in the parking lot while David ran in, just grinning knowing that I was going to be eating ice cream in a few minutes and not peeing on a stick. Then staring at said stick, willing a second line to come up.
I also got to open some fantastic presents. Poor David, though. I don’t think anyone told him that when you get married, your wife dictates a lot of the big gifts you receive. The first year we were married, it was finishing the collection of our Vietri dishes. Last year, it was luggage. This year, it was:
That’s right! A pack ‘n play and a travel system stroller. And TONS of fun girlie clothes. Have I mentioned I am really excited we are having a girl? In all actuality, he was actually pretty excited about the gifts. He can’t wait for his little girl to get here.
I hope everyone has a safe New Years! I hope 2009 brings peace and happiness to those so desperately searching for it, like I was last year.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
1) Choose the 4th folder where you store your pictures on your computer
2) Select the 4th picture in the folder
3) Explain the picture4) Tag 4 people to do the same
NO CHEATING!(cropping, editing, etc!)
This was from OU vs. Texas 2006! We won that year - BOOMER SOONER!!! This was the first year we were married. Little did we know, just a few short months later, we would discover we were infertile and embark on one very crazy ride! : ) I believe this was taken outside the Cotton Bowl, by my lovely mother. This was fun, Thanks Callie!!!
I tag Erin...
http://teamcorbin.blogspot.com/, sorry, I can't do tiny URLs. I am pretty sure Erin and Callie are the only two people who read my blog regularly, and I am okay with that!
OH, and Jill...who just got her BFP from IVF #3!! YAY for Jill!!!
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Beautiful things! You can't tell from this picture, but there are tiny sequins sewn on the actual canvas. It is really cool.
We also ordered wall letters to be made, but their stupid website won't let you copy pictures from there. A link will have to do!
Ours will say Paige! I guess that means we have for sure settled on a name! Paige Braley : )
It is also safe to say that I have fully embraced this girl business. I am having so much fun getting ready for her arrival! I was meant to have a girl!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
I have had 7 ultrasounds. One was with a perinatologist not even two weeks ago. All I have heard is how wonderful this baby girl looks. I feel so optimistic and happy, and am just glowing with excitement. Then something happens. I don’t know what it is. I wish I could pin point the exact moment or trigger that sends me into a panic. A sweating, heart-pounding panic. I am sitting in my office today, and all of the sudden, I start thinking – what if she just stopped breathing. Would I feel it? Would I cramp or spot? What if she isn’t breathing right now and there is nothing I can do about it? I didn’t check the heartbeat on my Doppler last night because we got home so late. We went to a basketball game, and didn’t get home until 10:30. What if she stopped breathing yesterday? Should I not go to step today? Should I go home and check the Doppler?
So here I sit, paralyzed with fear. And out comes google. Evil, evil google. It is almost like I step outside my body, and watch myself googling “miscarriage at 20 weeks.” Why am I doing this? I know the answer. I know what I am going to find. Stop, Megan. Just stop. But I keep going. I google “signs of second trimester miscarriage.” I go through the check list: no, don’t have any bleeding. Nope, no contractions. I haven’t smoked or drank. Just when I start to feel better – I read “sometimes there are no signs of a late miscarriage. Sometimes it just happens.” Tears are now coming down my face. What if it just happened and I don’t even know it?
Then I start thinking about all the people who told me I should be feeling clear movement by now. Why can’t I feel her? Shouldn’t I be feeling her by now? Nevermind the fact that my doctor told me it is totally normal to not feel things yet.
Is all of this worry irrational? I really don’t know. I don’t know if it has anything to do with infertility. Or the fact that I already lost a baby. Or maybe it is just that I love her so much, it makes me ache.
Every day is not like this for me. In fact, most days aren’t. Most days are great. Most of the time I am not a ticking time bomb. I know that all I can do is try to take care of my body the best I know how. And pray.
I always thought once you get pregnant, it gets easier. Then I thought, once I see a heartbeat, it will be easier. No, once I get out of the first trimester, it will be easier. WHEN? When is it going to get easier?
But after all of this, I have come to a decision: My love for Paige is greater than my fear of losing her. My love for Paige is greater than my fear of losing her. My love for Paige is greater than my fear of losing her.
Of this, I am certain. This is the only truth I can hang on to. Nothing else matters.
I came straight home from work, went right for the Doppler, and found her beautiful heartbeat right away. I feel so blessed right now!
Monday, December 8, 2008
I hope this little lady starts kicking me soon! She is so active on ultrasound, and when I get her on the Doppler, I can tell she is jumping all over the place. So I am really anxious to start feeling it! Sometimes I think I might be feeling something...only to discover it is just gas. Lovely.
My last OB appointment I had only gained 2 pounds...up 3.5 for the whole pregnancy. I am eating EVERYTHING! I am exercising almost every day, so I am sure that has something to do with it. My OB was actually happy, she says she would much prefer this to having to tell her patients to slow it down. I have a feeling the weight is really going to start coming now. Thank you, Sonic. And Pillsbury Cinnamon rolls. And Cookies n' Cream ice cream.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
I am going with the pink and brown thing. I don't care if it is trendy right now. I love it! My mom got me a brown with pink polka dots glider, and a chocolate brown ottoman. Beautiful! Should arrive in 6-8 weeks. Same with the bedding. I am now looking for a girlie chandelier and maybe a night stand. I am having so much fun with this.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
I was recovering from a lap surgery with ovarian drilling (which did nothing for me - goodbye 15K), and we were going to "try on our own" until the first of the year. Of course when I say try on our own, I don't mean sex in your bedroom when you feel like it. I mean, I would go to the RE on cycle day 13, if I had a follicle (sac that holds an egg on the ovary) greater than 18mm, I would take a shot of hcg to induce ovulation (the trigger shot), and go home and have sex. If I did not have a follicle ready to go, I would come back one week later and check it out. So our trying on our own wasn't free, wasn't relaxing, and wasn't fun.
So with my family celebrating the happy news of my brother and sister-in-law who got pregnant on the first month, I knew I had an appointment with my RE soon, he would tell me to have sex, and 14 days later I would get my period. And cry. And scream. After all the clomid, injectables, and surgery, I felt lost.
And never in my wildest dreams did I think that it would take me all the way until AUGUST of the next year to get pregnant. 30,000 more dollars, two injectable cycles, and a cycle of IVF.
Why did I label this negative post so much to be thankful for? Because I AM thankful. I am so thankful for the journey. I cry every day now because I feel so blessed. I will never forget where I came from. I will never forget the tears. I am forever grateful for all the pain I experienced. Last year, I felt lost, alone, jealous, bitter, completely unhappy. This year, I am going to spend black Friday shopping for my baby girl. I am not sure that anyone could feel as blessed as David and I do this holiday season.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
It is very fuzzy. I am going to have to get David to start taking them for me, and not me taking them in a mirror. The flash messes it up with the lighting in our bathroom. I think I am getting bigger. I still thinking it is too much Moe's burritos, and not so much a baby girl growing.
Also exciting things are happening in the Big XII south: a three way tie between OU, Texas, and Texas Tech. Each has a claim to the title because each has a win over one. Each has a loss to one. Who should go? Of course, this is all assuming that Tech can beat Baylor, Texas can beat Texas A&M, and OU can beat OSU. If that happens - who will get the south title? I think it should be OU (duh) - but each has a legitimate argument. Will make early December more interesting, that is for sure!
One last thought:
baby names! I like Paige Braley, Ella Paige, Isabelle Leigh, Lilly Grace...
We need help deciding!
Sunday, November 16, 2008
We have a crib and a changing table! The whole time we were putting it together, I kept thinking - is this my life? No way! I can't get pregnant, why do we need a crib? I know I am driving David crazy...the whole time we were assembling today, I kept saying, "can you believe we are putting together a crib?" "OH my gosh David, are we really having a baby?"
Saturday, November 15, 2008
We went to a friend's birthday party last night. We all met up at her house, then David and I went home while every one else went out to the bar. Wouldn't have it any other way! You know how people say you anticipate things and build them up, then when they happen, they are never as good as you imagined? Well being pregnant is so not like that!! All my friends were gushing over my new bump, and I loved every single minute of it! I didn't mind them all touching it. I ate that attention right up!
My clothes are getting tighter and tighter by the day, so David is going to take me shopping for a few things later.
One week exactly until the greatest college football game of this season: OU vs. Texas Tech. I have never been so happy to have a home game! We need every advantage we can get in this one!
Two weeks and 2 days until my BIG ultrasound!
I have a feeling these next few weeks will not go as quickly as this week did!
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Sunday, November 2, 2008
My first baby, Spike
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
We are so thankful for our healthy, growing baby.
She measured the back of the neck for me. Thick fluid behind the neck can be a marker for genetic disorders such as Down’s. Everything looked great! She was able to get several good angles and take a guess at the baby’s gender!! She guessed...GIRL!!!!!! Of course this is just a guess, and I know I should not get too attached to that idea, but I can’t help it! I am imagining my little baby Paige : ) Of course I would be thrilled if next time she tells me she was wrong. I am just so happy everything looked great.
For the first time, I actually believe I will have a baby this spring.
It is starting to get cold outside, and I told David on the way to work this morning, that by the time it starts to warm up, it will be time! I can’t believe it!
I am going to start taking belly pics soon. I guess I just don’t feel like I look pregnant at all. I know it is so early, so that is normal. I am gaining weight because I eat more and exercise less, but it isn’t in the form of a cute belly. Unless people grow babies in their thighs and hips. But as soon as I see a little bump coming out, I will bring out that camera!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
The most interesting part to me, however, was when they said, “you probably won’t need to be in maternity clothes for several more weeks.” What they mean is, if you haven’t basically abandoned working out and don’t eat Sonic every day, you don’t need maternity clothes yet. I am the happy owner of a pair of Citizen maternity jeans, black maternity work pants, and two bella bands. And if someone can manage to pry the bag of Salt and Vinegar chips from my hands, I might go looking online for some more things. I love my pregnant body, and wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world!
In other baby news, we have an ultrasound on Monday. I am taking David with me this time. It is bad luck for him not to be there. I will be 13 weeks exactly, so I am not thinking they will take a guess at the gender. Wouldn’t that be fun if they did!? I am pretty sure we are having a boy, but I’d like the ultrasound tech to give me a second opinion.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Found this on another blog, and I am bored, so...
You have to use one-word answers.
Your hair? Blonde
Your mother? Friend
Your father? Giving
Your favorite thing? football
Your dream last night? none
Your dream/goal? family
Your favorite drink? wine
The room you're in? study
Your ex? traveler
Your hobby? exercise
Your fear? wasps
Where do you want to be in 6 years? content
Where were you last night? home
What you're not? patient
One of your wish list items? crib
Where you grew up? Edmond (Oklahoma)
The last thing you did? feed (my dogs)
Favorite weather? fall
What are you wearing? sweats
Your favorite book? Dickens
Your TV? lifeline
Your pet? yorkies
Your computer? Dell
Your mood? Wonderful
Missing someone? Yes
Your car? BMW
Something you're not wearing? shoes
Favorite store? Neimans
Love someone? Lots
Your favorite color/shade? Red
Last thing you ate? Fritos
Your life? Enviable
Your friends? fulfilling
What are you thinking right now? Hungry
What are you doing at this moment? Cooking
Your summer: IVF
Your relationship status: married
What do you do when you can't sleep? computer
When is the last time you laughed? work
Last time you cried? today
Okay, so I cheated on a few.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
But I am not going to talk about all those things. I am going to talk about how blessed I am! I got to spend a weekend with my family and some of my great friends, who would do anything for me! I got to spend some time alone with my parents, which I haven't done in a while! It was nice. I got to come home to my beautiful house that we custom built. I get to be very proud of my husband who works hard to provide for his family. I got to go to an exciting football game, which was way worth the price to get in. It was very entertaining, even though my school lost. We still had a great afternoon. And I am pregnant. I got to listen to my baby's heart beating whenever I felt like checking it. Yes, I rented a Doppler, and it was the right choice for me! Baby Griffith was hovering around 176-180 every time I found it.
I have a very enviable life, and I know we must go through hard times to appreciate the good times. I am blessed beyond all belief.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Anyway - back to my point...
I feel in such an awkward place. I am pregnant. Wasn't that the goal of all of this? Wasn't one healthy baby what we wanted? What we paid over $45,000 for? Shouldn't I be happy with that? There are so many people out there still struggling, and I did it on our first try of IVF. I just keep thinking about what might have been. Was this baby a girl or a boy? I wonder if it would have loved golf, just like David. From the beginning, I imagined this baby to be the shy, quiet one of the two. Would that have been correct?
I am having a hard time grasping the concept that I am never going to know.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Our precious surviving baby was looking great. Heartbeat at a speedy 181 bbp. Measuring right on track. We are so thankful for that. I feel completely blessed, and completely cheated all at the same time.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Bad news: the friend I mentioned before, the one who got pregnant, has suffered a miscarriage. I feel so badly for them. This was not a planned thing by any means, but she was thrilled to be pregnant, and only got to hold on to that feeling for a week. She feels silly for being so upset, since they weren’t planning on a baby for a while. I assured her she has every right to be completely upset. Life will go on, but this is still a huge loss. Even though they will go on to have children one day, nothing will ever take away from this little one that they lost. I am very, very sorry for them. Luckily for me, she is a great friend who is still over the moon excited for me. She walked with me through all my struggles. In fact, when she called me to tell me about her miscarriage, her first words were: “how was your appointment?” She wanted to know how it went first before she told me her news. I feel like too many people I care about have experienced pain when it comes to reproduction. I thought it was supposed to be a happy, exciting thing!
No exciting plans for us this weekend. I will update on Monday when I get back from the ultrasound!
Saturday, September 27, 2008
I learned a few days ago that another friend of mine is pregnant. I love this girl so much - we have been good friends for a while. She has been there for me through so many things the last 4 years. She stood there and was thrilled for me when I got married, then let me cry to her for almost 2 years when I was trying to get pregnant. She really is nothing but a great friend. So why do I feel so jealous of her? I AM PREGNANT TOO! It was kind of an "oops" thing, but they are married, and really excited about having a baby. I am happy for them, but there is a tiny part of me that wishes I could have had this time all to myself for a while. I know how ridiculous I sound. I sound like a spoiled child. I guess I just wish I could have had sex and gotten pregnant and immediately told the world and been excited about it - but infertility took all that away from me. I hate infertility. It sucks. I am forced to still be cautious. My brain has been re-wired. But all that aside, I think it will be fun to have a friend be pregnant with me. And she really does deserve all the happiness in the world.
Headed to the OU game today. Sooooo excited. Plus, David gets down there much earlier than I do to set up the tailgate, and he is going to get me my favorite food in the whole world and have it waiting for me. If you have never had a Freebirds Burrito, you need to. It is one of those make your own burrito places, and it rocks my world.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Our heartbeats were 175 and 166, respectively.
We are so beyond thrilled, there are no words. How can two people be as blessed as we. Thank God for this incredible gift.
Monday, September 15, 2008
If you have never been to Seattle, I suggest you go. It is so beautiful. We stayed downtown, and did nothing but walk around for 2 straight days! Pike's Market is amazing - all the fresh fruit you can imagine, the most amazing fresh flowers, fish, all kinds of candy...you wouldn't believe it! We had a fabulous time, and the game was just icing on the cake! We went to the game in a boat!! It was so cool. The OU won in convincing fashion. The best part was, I actually got to enjoy this knowing that by football season next year, we will have a baby!
Let me just say that for anyone still trying - it is worth it. I had a very difficult road getting here (although I know not as difficult as some - I am very lucky to have gotten pregnant on my first IVF and I realize that). I think it was so hard for me because my RE was convinced that I would be pregnant on just metformin. Then when that didn't work, he knew all I needed was 50 mg of clomid. Wait, make that 100 mg. Well, how about 150 mg. When all that didn't work, it hit him. I need a lap. And Ovarian Drilling. This $11,000 procedure was all I needed, then I would ovulate on my own and get pregnant! Simple! He was certain. No dice. 4 months later - nothing! Finally we did injectables. 3 follicles, perfect lining, better than perfect sperm on back to back IUI's. This was it, he assured us. NOTHING. I said I am DONE. We are doing IVF. And we did. Amazingly enough, this IVF cycle, with my crappy embryo quality, none making it to freeze, my low 7 dp transfer estrogen and progesterone, he started talking to me about protocols we can try next time to get better quality. I am pretty sure everyone (besides David, lol - he believed all along) was preparing for an October cycle #2. Imagine my shock to have a beating heart in my uterus.
Good luck to everyone still trying. I have faith that God is good and won't let us down.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
I pray that we see a heartbeat. I am in such limbo right now - I am not excited to be pregnant, because I don't feel like I am. I am not enjoying not being pregnancy (ie, drinking, sexing, running) because I might be pregnant. I might really be in my 6th week. I might actually have a baby May 5th, 2009. Or, I might get drunk on the plane to Seattle.
David and I are going with my parents to Seattle to watch OU play Washington. I am very excited. I love college football. I always have. It is truly amazing to see 85,000 people get excited for one thing. Scream, cheer, high-five and hug total strangers...where else? I am very passionate about my team, and love others who are too. Even if it isn't for my team. To be a fan of something is a wonderful thing. To feel the ups and downs, celebrate victories with your family and friends...or sit in the car in silence when you lose : ) I just love it. I am constantly reminded of how wonderful my life is and no matter what we see tomorrow, the world will keep turning.
That doesn't keep me from being excited, terrified, nervous, anxious...
Thursday, September 4, 2008
I am very thankful for this distraction, because when I get back, I have our department golf tournament on Monday, then I only have to work 2 days before my ultrasound! Yah!
Then, we leave Thursday afternoon for Seattle! So I am just so busy right now - I know it is a blessing from God! He is trying to remind me that life is beautiful and I have a pretty good one at that - no sense in wasting my time obsessing about something that I can't change!
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Why am I not being more optimistic, you ask? Truth be told, the tone of this post really isn’t how I feel all the time. I am happy and grateful to be pregnant. David and I refer to the baby as Jack*, and talk about how “Jack wants Chipotle tonight” and “Jack wants to watch FRIENDS tonight.” We are excited. And happy. And thankful for this miracle, and praying with all our might that Jack holds on for dear life. He will be happy he did : )
You are probably confused about this post. Are you happy? Are you sad? When I figure out the answer to that, I’ll let you know.
*No, we have no clue what we are having – just a gut feeling says boy
I tried to not wish my weekend away, wanting today to get here. But I am happy it is Tuesday. I wish I could get my ultrasound and beta, and come back home in my PJ's. We did enjoy the weekend - it was busy! OU game on Saturday, wedding Sunday, golf and cookout Monday! I was pretty slick at the wedding - I had David keep getting me sprite's with a lime so it looked like a vodka tonic. Believe me, if my friends saw that I wasn't drinking, they would immediately assume I was pregnant (and ask me about it). I just drank my sprite and laughed enough and danced just enough so no one was the wiser ; )
So anyway, about this ultrasound, I think we are looking for just a sac. If it is twins, he said we might not be able to see the sacs at this time. Even if it is a singleton, there is a chance we won't be able to see anything. He is pretty certain it is only one due to the quality of our embryos, but you never know. I just know I will freak out if we don't see anything. Then we have to go to San Diego this weekend, and I will once again wish my long weekend away so I can come home and take another peak.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
I go for an ultrasound and repeat blood work on Tuesday, just to take a peek at what is going on. RE thinks I might have 2 in there, but probably not. I know that it is probably best if there is just one, but sometimes I think it would be nice to have two. I am happy that decision is not up to me. All that matters to me is that by May, I am a mommy.
Tomorrow is the first OU (University of Oklahoma - SOONERS!!) game. About 7 months ago, I told my friend Miranda that I don't care how it happens, I just better be pregnant by the first OU game. My first positive beta ever was 2 days before the first game. Interesting...
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
At around noon tomorrow, I will know. What I will do with that information is beyond me. Will I be thrilled with a high number (I know it will be positive because I have been testing positive for almost a week)? Or will it cause me to only freak out about the second number? If it is low, will I panic? Or will I trust that there is a force greater than myself out there with a big master plan and I will someday end up living happily ever after? I am certainly going to try, because if I don’t, I am afraid I will have heart failure before day break tomorrow.
Monday, August 25, 2008
I think part of the problem is the fact that I am so used to being infertile. That has been my life since 2/26/07, the day I walked through my RE's doors for the first time. People have to be sensitive around me. People understand I might avoid events if they are going to bring their babies. People rarely email me pictures of their kids (with the exception of one...grrrr....). How are people going to treat me now? To be quite honest, I'm not exactly sure how to act or feel. I have thought about little else (well, that, and about decorating my home, which is finished now). I feel like David and I talk about infertility all the time. We talk about the current cycle we are in, how we plan to approach the next, and how "I'm having a really hard time lately."
I just hope I can get out of this slump and feel excited once I get a beta. Please. I am so sick of being the poor infertile girl.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Check out the video. If you don't cry, there is seriously something wrong with you : )
Thursday, August 21, 2008
I have my progesterone and estrogen checked tomorrow. Hopefully we see some nice, high numbers! If they are, I will probably test Saturday.
I still feel nothing. No cramps, I am not more tired than usual, and I have had no spotting. Yes, I also run to the bathroom to check every 30 minutes or so at work. I am pathetic.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
We talk on the phone all the time, but during this IVF cycle, she has called me every day just to check on me. She tells me every day she is thinking about me. I know she is just as nervous about these results as I am.
Sooo...on to tonight's update:
I am 4dp 3dt. Equivalent to 7 dpo. I am a masochist, so I plan to test this weekend. I hate myself already. I feel nothing. Maybe some minor cramps, but I wouldn't have noticed had I not been DYING to notice some cramps. Honestly, I don't think I am pregnant. I am hoping I can cycle again in October or November at the latest. This really sucks.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
I got sick last night : ( Like throwing up. I have no clue why. I was in a wedding, and had a tiny sip of champagne to toast the bride, but nothing but water at the reception. I just go so sick, and I am now totally freaked that I puked my embryos up. Not really - but it did make me worry. I know that it is fine, they are safe and sound still floating around in my uterus. Like little astronauts. Then they find where they want to stick in about 4 days, and they start to grow there! So I am pretty sure getting sick didn't disrupt their floating.
Friday, August 15, 2008
It occured to me then how much our lives have changed. But really, I have just traded obsessions. First, I was obsessed with the wedding. We got married in Maui, and it was beautiful. We had a lovely reception at home a week later. Then, we immediately started building a house. Drapes, furniture, tile, paint...you get the picture. All my energy went in to making this house perfect. And it is. It is amazing and I love coming home here. Well you know how it goes - first marriage, then a home to call your own, then a family. Well the last 18 months have been spent working on that last one. And yes, you could say that I am obsessed.
Our transfer is today! Yes, it is 4 AM and I can't sleep. Surprised? We go in at 12:20 for our 12:30 transfer. I need a full bladder. We will put 1 8-celled grade A, and 1 8-celled grade B+. Not bad. Actually, pretty good. Then my mom is taking me home for 24 hours of strict bed rest. I am a bridesmaid in a wedding on Saturday, but I will just take it easy. All will be fine. Beta (quantitative pregnancy test) is the 29th. After the craziness of this cycle, it really does look like I will make it out alive. Hopefully with a baby, but if not, I know I will survive.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
9 fertilized with ICSI
2 are good, 4 are fair, and 3 are fair/poor
This means that we are certainly doing a day 3 transfer on Friday - not even a chance of making it to day 5. It also means there is a slim to none possibility of any making it to freeze. I hate reality. I wish I could live in my fantasy for a few more days.
I know that it only takes one. I know we are blessed to have any fertilize. I know we are lucky to have 2 that look good at this stage. I am aware of all these things, but the point is that it isn't what I wanted. It isn't what I expected. I just want to scream. I can't be happy about those two embies. I know I should - hell, they could become my kids. I will try. I will try to be happy, and be patient, and wait for the phone call tomorrow for my update. Please, God, please watch over my embryos. Everyone else, please pray for my embryos.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Its weird - I keep saying, "I'll feel better when..." First, I thought I would feel better and more confident when I made it to trigger. Then I just knew I would feel better once I made it to egg retrieval. Now, I am pretty sure I will feel better knowing how many fertilized. I finally realize that I will only feel better once I walk out of the hospital with a baby. Then comes a whole new set of worries. When does it get easy? When will I enjoy life again?
At least for today, I am trying not to worry, and just rejoice in the fact that 18 of my eggs are in the best lab in the state, getting ready to give it up to 70 thousand or so sperm. Sluts.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
So here is where I let go. All I can do is hope for a miracle.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
For tonight's main topic: my favorite show of all time. I mean you've got it all: cheating, boyfriend stealing, lies, drug abuse, over-dose, pregnancy, miscarriage, abortion (fake-outs), alcoholism, murder, corporate corruption, friends, enemies...what else could you want in a one-hour TV show? Nothing. I had to subscribe to Soap-Net (yes, I hang my head in shame) just to get 90210. They have 2 episodes A DAY. I am trying not to watch them this week so I have a full day's worth of activity the day of my ER and ET. I am very much looking forward to Matt and Kelly fighting because he is trying to get a death-row inmate who rapped and murdered a woman clemency, Kelly pondering forgiving the parents of the man who rapped her (and she subsequently shot and killed when he later came in to her store), Gina and Noah running and after-hours strip club, and Donna - being the innocent victim she always is - is mistaken for a hooker and (insert gasp here) goes to jail, and David giving his radio listeners bad, angry advice because he has been hurt by Gina and Dillon. Man, that is good TV.
Friday, August 1, 2008
I have had drama at work, so it has been a distraction, albeit not a nice one. One of my co-workers has gone off the deep end and is pretty much making life miserable for everyone around her. It is just bad all around. But at least it gives me something else to think about - momentarily.
Monday, July 28, 2008
And she made my appointment for my baseline u/s!! It is Thursday! If I am sufficiently suppressed (which I should be, what, with 8 + weeks of birth control and an extra progesterone pill and 10 daily units of Lurpon), then I will start Follistim on Saturday!! YEAH!
I am so excited and ready to see how this will all pan out. I don't know why I am just so certain that I will become pregnant with this first IVF cycle.
In other news - work is getting pretty interesting because of a wacky co-worker I have. She is probably getting fired, and I know she needs to leave the company because she is nothing but a giant distraction, but I am a little sad about losing our entertainment. Sigh...
Thursday, July 24, 2008
View from the front
Our bonus room upstairs!
Monday, July 21, 2008
But I am just sitting here at work (yes, I should be working, and no, I don’t need that pointed out to me), thinking, this is not the life I want to be leading right now. I don’t like my job. I am very careful to not use the word “hate” because I know I have a good thing going here. I have fantastic friends who brighten my life, make me laugh daily – several times a day even, and generally just make me happy. I have great benefits, although no infertility coverage. I have a great 401K plan. They have this amazing fitness center and I can go work out on my lunch break every day – take aerobics classes, walk on the track, or use one of the state-of-the-art cardio machines…you get the picture – why would I leave this job!! I am getting beside the point. The point is that I am not happy where I am. I love my life and the choices I have made. I am glad David and I decided to get married when we did. That was right. I am glad we built a house and moved in. It all feels right, except my job.
Okay – what if I only don’t like being at my job right now because I am want a baby and I know when I have a baby I will quit, at least for a few years. Do I only dislike my job because I really don’t want one at all?
So yeah – this is just rambling, but basically, I am stressed and sad, and don’t know how to make myself feel better. I know tomorrow is a new day. I guess I just really feel in limbo right now. And it is making me very upset. I hate feeling like I have no control over my choices. But I don’t – because I have no idea what is going to happen in the next few months.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Friday, July 18, 2008
So I am in the oil and gas business, and let me just say that business is good. Why would I quit this great company with all the benefits? Because I am not passionate about my job.
Here is the problem: What the hell am I going to study? I really don’t know what I want to be? My favorite classes in college were history, communications, sociology, and psychology. I do have a degree already, so maybe I can go back and get my masters? But in what? THAT, my friends, is the question of the day. What do I want to be when I grow up?
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
I realize that this makes me sound like a bit of a lush – but I am not. I just like to drink wine when I go to dinner, and we go out with our friends often. We still have many friends with no children.
I need to go to the store tonight, but am avoiding all grocery stores like the plague until the magazines with slutty Jamie Lynn Spears are not on the cover. Please, can we glorify teen pregnancy just a little bit more? How nice if all teen mothers could leave the baby with a nanny and fly first class to NYC when the baby starts cramping her style. Oh, and I am just glad they are getting married. I would be shocked if the shot-gun marriage between a 17 year old spoiled brat and her red-neck 20 year old soon to be featured on “to Catch a Predator” boyfriend doesn’t last. Shocked. That is the stuff that great love is made out of.
So anyway, I will have to hope that the ingredients to make my dip for my wine party on Friday night magically appear at my house. Or I am going empty handed. I’ll just inform them that since my uterus is inhospitable, so is my kitchen. There is a great conversation starter at a party.
Monday, July 14, 2008
So there that goes.
But TODAY. Today is going to be the first day of a new plan. I have to do it for IVF. I know how important it is. I started with my strawberries this morning...
Sunday, July 13, 2008
My sister-in law (brother's wife) delivered their perfect baby girl yesterday. I though I would be sad when I went to the hospital, but really, I wasn't. I was thrilled. She is beautiful. I had tears of joy seeing her and the happy parents. I hope they know how lucky they are. They wanted to get pregnant, had sex, and nine months later they delivered their baby girl. What a concept! If you would have told me a year ago that when Hayley delivered her baby, I wouldn't even be pregnant, I would have bet you one million dollars. Seriously. But alas, I am starting Lupron for my first IVF cycle. WTF.
I keep telling myself that if I don't get pregant, it will be fine, because I have this great fall planned, and I will be able to really enjoy it if I am know knocked up. We are going to San Diego the first weekend in September, then Seattle the next, the of course with OU football season, we have all those games, OU vs. Texas, Big XII championship, then we go to Vegas every New Years, then I figured we would try again in January.
But I don't want to have fun weekend trips and drunken tailgate parties and crazy Vegas nights. I want a family.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
My whole life has revolved around getting pregnant the past 15 months. It is time to actually realize that dream!
Monday, May 12, 2008
Of course, I may get my period after stopping these birth control pills and be excited about trying again. So I give myself permission to change my mind.
I have been journaling for almost a year now, and it has been somewhat theraputic for me (I say "somewhat" because, while I do think it has helped me, I still found myself sobbing on the closet floor holding my dog hostage screaming "Spike is the only one who understands me" multiple times). I decided to start typing these entries because writing became too tedious.
Nothing really exciting going on. It is Monday. I am bored at work even though I have a lot to do.