I am having a sad day. I think I built my “start” to IVF up a little too much. It was a small shot, and all it did was make me have hot flashes last night. Like drenched. I had to change shirts in the middle of the night. Then, of course, I woke up freezing. All part of the fun.
But I am just sitting here at work (yes, I should be working, and no, I don’t need that pointed out to me), thinking, this is not the life I want to be leading right now. I don’t like my job. I am very careful to not use the word “hate” because I know I have a good thing going here. I have fantastic friends who brighten my life, make me laugh daily – several times a day even, and generally just make me happy. I have great benefits, although no infertility coverage. I have a great 401K plan. They have this amazing fitness center and I can go work out on my lunch break every day – take aerobics classes, walk on the track, or use one of the state-of-the-art cardio machines…you get the picture – why would I leave this job!! I am getting beside the point. The point is that I am not happy where I am. I love my life and the choices I have made. I am glad David and I decided to get married when we did. That was right. I am glad we built a house and moved in. It all feels right, except my job.
Okay – what if I only don’t like being at my job right now because I am want a baby and I know when I have a baby I will quit, at least for a few years. Do I only dislike my job because I really don’t want one at all?
So yeah – this is just rambling, but basically, I am stressed and sad, and don’t know how to make myself feel better. I know tomorrow is a new day. I guess I just really feel in limbo right now. And it is making me very upset. I hate feeling like I have no control over my choices. But I don’t – because I have no idea what is going to happen in the next few months.
2 weeks ago