Saturday, September 27, 2008

Infertility sucks

No two ways around it. It just plain sucks. I am overjoyed that I am pregnant. That is worth repeating. I am overjoyed that I am pregnant, and with twins no less. I am a little worried about my little baby B (we ALWAYS refer to it as a boy...), but not letting that put a damper on my excitment.

I learned a few days ago that another friend of mine is pregnant. I love this girl so much - we have been good friends for a while. She has been there for me through so many things the last 4 years. She stood there and was thrilled for me when I got married, then let me cry to her for almost 2 years when I was trying to get pregnant. She really is nothing but a great friend. So why do I feel so jealous of her? I AM PREGNANT TOO! It was kind of an "oops" thing, but they are married, and really excited about having a baby. I am happy for them, but there is a tiny part of me that wishes I could have had this time all to myself for a while. I know how ridiculous I sound. I sound like a spoiled child. I guess I just wish I could have had sex and gotten pregnant and immediately told the world and been excited about it - but infertility took all that away from me. I hate infertility. It sucks. I am forced to still be cautious. My brain has been re-wired. But all that aside, I think it will be fun to have a friend be pregnant with me. And she really does deserve all the happiness in the world.

Headed to the OU game today. Sooooo excited. Plus, David gets down there much earlier than I do to set up the tailgate, and he is going to get me my favorite food in the whole world and have it waiting for me. If you have never had a Freebirds Burrito, you need to. It is one of those make your own burrito places, and it rocks my world.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Brace yourself, partner

We are having twins. Ultrasound today at 8 weeks, 1 day showed 2 babies and 2 heartbeats. This was our third ultrasound, and they just saw the second one! It's sac is much smaller than baby A's, but the baby is measuring just fine, and had a great heartbeat.
Our heartbeats were 175 and 166, respectively.
We are so beyond thrilled, there are no words. How can two people be as blessed as we. Thank God for this incredible gift.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Thrilled to report we are having a baby!

I think I believe it now! We have a tiny baby with a heartbeat of 116 bbp. RE says this will go up - to as much as 160 bbm! I was measuring 6 weeks 3 days on Thursday, so right on track! They said I am due May 6th, 2009. Sounds like a great time to have a baby! My last appointment with my RE is not this Thursday but next, then the following Monday I go to my OBGYN. I can't believe this is happening to me. I never thought I could get pregnant.

If you have never been to Seattle, I suggest you go. It is so beautiful. We stayed downtown, and did nothing but walk around for 2 straight days! Pike's Market is amazing - all the fresh fruit you can imagine, the most amazing fresh flowers, fish, all kinds of wouldn't believe it! We had a fabulous time, and the game was just icing on the cake! We went to the game in a boat!! It was so cool. The OU won in convincing fashion. The best part was, I actually got to enjoy this knowing that by football season next year, we will have a baby!

Let me just say that for anyone still trying - it is worth it. I had a very difficult road getting here (although I know not as difficult as some - I am very lucky to have gotten pregnant on my first IVF and I realize that). I think it was so hard for me because my RE was convinced that I would be pregnant on just metformin. Then when that didn't work, he knew all I needed was 50 mg of clomid. Wait, make that 100 mg. Well, how about 150 mg. When all that didn't work, it hit him. I need a lap. And Ovarian Drilling. This $11,000 procedure was all I needed, then I would ovulate on my own and get pregnant! Simple! He was certain. No dice. 4 months later - nothing! Finally we did injectables. 3 follicles, perfect lining, better than perfect sperm on back to back IUI's. This was it, he assured us. NOTHING. I said I am DONE. We are doing IVF. And we did. Amazingly enough, this IVF cycle, with my crappy embryo quality, none making it to freeze, my low 7 dp transfer estrogen and progesterone, he started talking to me about protocols we can try next time to get better quality. I am pretty sure everyone (besides David, lol - he believed all along) was preparing for an October cycle #2. Imagine my shock to have a beating heart in my uterus.

Good luck to everyone still trying. I have faith that God is good and won't let us down.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Second u/s tomorrow

I am excited, terrified, nervous, anxious...
I pray that we see a heartbeat. I am in such limbo right now - I am not excited to be pregnant, because I don't feel like I am. I am not enjoying not being pregnancy (ie, drinking, sexing, running) because I might be pregnant. I might really be in my 6th week. I might actually have a baby May 5th, 2009. Or, I might get drunk on the plane to Seattle.

David and I are going with my parents to Seattle to watch OU play Washington. I am very excited. I love college football. I always have. It is truly amazing to see 85,000 people get excited for one thing. Scream, cheer, high-five and hug total strangers...where else? I am very passionate about my team, and love others who are too. Even if it isn't for my team. To be a fan of something is a wonderful thing. To feel the ups and downs, celebrate victories with your family and friends...or sit in the car in silence when you lose : ) I just love it. I am constantly reminded of how wonderful my life is and no matter what we see tomorrow, the world will keep turning.

That doesn't keep me from being excited, terrified, nervous, anxious...

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Out like a fat kid in dodgeball

I am going to San Diego for the weekend for David's uncle's wedding. We are stoked (trying to get in the Cali frame of mind). I will try my hardest to not obsess and wish this weekend away. We are renting a convertible and driving down to Laguna Beach on Saturday! I am so excited I don't know how I am going to sleep tonight!

I am very thankful for this distraction, because when I get back, I have our department golf tournament on Monday, then I only have to work 2 days before my ultrasound! Yah!

Then, we leave Thursday afternoon for Seattle! So I am just so busy right now - I know it is a blessing from God! He is trying to remind me that life is beautiful and I have a pretty good one at that - no sense in wasting my time obsessing about something that I can't change!

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

When will the two week waits end?

We saw a sweet, tiny sac. In the right place. I am measuring 5 weeks 0 days. You would expect me to be happy, right? Wrong. They called later in the afternoon with my beta. It had a doubling time of 56 hours. That is fine, right? It is in the 48-72 frame, right? Wrong. It should be fine, but it isn’t. Why didn’t it just double in the 48 hour frame? All I wanted was some peace of mind, but now I have to wait until next Thursday (9/11) to get another view. How am I supposed to enjoy my weekend in San Diego? How am I supposed to focus on work? I am so in love with this tiny little thing growing inside me, and I am terrified of it being taken away from me. I can say now that this is the hardest part of the process for me. This is the most stressed/upset I have been. It is like a whole new kind of two week wait. BFN’s are hard, don’t get me wrong. I have gotten my fair share of them, and they always involved me sobbing on the bathroom floor. I know it is hard. The uncertainty of an IVF 2WW was hard. I don’t have to look back at my past posts to remember how tough it was to get through that. But this – this is a whole new level. Seeing the joy in David’s face when I got a positive hpt. Running as fast as I could to his office to tell him our beta was positive, and seeing his face, feeling him hold me so tight – that was a joy I never knew. I can’t imagine having it taken away. I can’t possibly imagine the pain that would bring.

Why am I not being more optimistic, you ask? Truth be told, the tone of this post really isn’t how I feel all the time. I am happy and grateful to be pregnant. David and I refer to the baby as Jack*, and talk about how “Jack wants Chipotle tonight” and “Jack wants to watch FRIENDS tonight.” We are excited. And happy. And thankful for this miracle, and praying with all our might that Jack holds on for dear life. He will be happy he did : )

You are probably confused about this post. Are you happy? Are you sad? When I figure out the answer to that, I’ll let you know.

*No, we have no clue what we are having – just a gut feeling says boy

Once again I hang my head in shame

I took another home pregnancy test last night. I am so nervous for my ultrasound this morning, I just wanted to make sure there was still some hcg in me! I know this means nothing, but it is amazing what seeing two dark lines come up immediately will do for your peace of mind. It is 5 AM and I am awake, so it obviously didn't cure me of all worry, but I did manage to sleep about 7 hours last night.

I tried to not wish my weekend away, wanting today to get here. But I am happy it is Tuesday. I wish I could get my ultrasound and beta, and come back home in my PJ's. We did enjoy the weekend - it was busy! OU game on Saturday, wedding Sunday, golf and cookout Monday! I was pretty slick at the wedding - I had David keep getting me sprite's with a lime so it looked like a vodka tonic. Believe me, if my friends saw that I wasn't drinking, they would immediately assume I was pregnant (and ask me about it). I just drank my sprite and laughed enough and danced just enough so no one was the wiser ; )

So anyway, about this ultrasound, I think we are looking for just a sac. If it is twins, he said we might not be able to see the sacs at this time. Even if it is a singleton, there is a chance we won't be able to see anything. He is pretty certain it is only one due to the quality of our embryos, but you never know. I just know I will freak out if we don't see anything. Then we have to go to San Diego this weekend, and I will once again wish my long weekend away so I can come home and take another peak.