We saw a sweet, tiny sac. In the right place. I am measuring 5 weeks 0 days. You would expect me to be happy, right? Wrong. They called later in the afternoon with my beta. It had a doubling time of 56 hours. That is fine, right? It is in the 48-72 frame, right? Wrong. It should be fine, but it isn’t. Why didn’t it just double in the 48 hour frame? All I wanted was some peace of mind, but now I have to wait until next Thursday (9/11) to get another view. How am I supposed to enjoy my weekend in San Diego? How am I supposed to focus on work? I am so in love with this tiny little thing growing inside me, and I am terrified of it being taken away from me. I can say now that this is the hardest part of the process for me. This is the most stressed/upset I have been. It is like a whole new kind of two week wait. BFN’s are hard, don’t get me wrong. I have gotten my fair share of them, and they always involved me sobbing on the bathroom floor. I know it is hard. The uncertainty of an IVF 2WW was hard. I don’t have to look back at my past posts to remember how tough it was to get through that. But this – this is a whole new level. Seeing the joy in David’s face when I got a positive hpt. Running as fast as I could to his office to tell him our beta was positive, and seeing his face, feeling him hold me so tight – that was a joy I never knew. I can’t imagine having it taken away. I can’t possibly imagine the pain that would bring.
Why am I not being more optimistic, you ask? Truth be told, the tone of this post really isn’t how I feel all the time. I am happy and grateful to be pregnant. David and I refer to the baby as Jack*, and talk about how “Jack wants Chipotle tonight” and “Jack wants to watch FRIENDS tonight.” We are excited. And happy. And thankful for this miracle, and praying with all our might that Jack holds on for dear life. He will be happy he did : )
You are probably confused about this post. Are you happy? Are you sad? When I figure out the answer to that, I’ll let you know.
*No, we have no clue what we are having – just a gut feeling says boy