Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Impatiently learning how to be patient

I can’t believe beta day is tomorrow. I honestly can’t believe I have made it in one piece. In the last few months, I have cried, screamed, pleaded and made deals with God, threatened violence against my husband, mother…generally anyone who pissed me off at any given time; I have been hopeful, I have been certain that I am not pregnant nor will I ever get pregnant, I have decided that we are doing adoption after this because I can’t possibly go through IVF again, I have called my nurse and asked her to pencil me in to cycle in October…yes this is all done by the same person. Me!

At around noon tomorrow, I will know. What I will do with that information is beyond me. Will I be thrilled with a high number (I know it will be positive because I have been testing positive for almost a week)? Or will it cause me to only freak out about the second number? If it is low, will I panic? Or will I trust that there is a force greater than myself out there with a big master plan and I will someday end up living happily ever after? I am certainly going to try, because if I don’t, I am afraid I will have heart failure before day break tomorrow.

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