I was slowly realizing through the whole night that I was a much more fun hostess when I was drinking too. And just when I started to feel the slightest bit sad that I couldn't drink, I had a flashback. 4th of July. We had a party. There were pregnant people and mommies everywhere. I was getting ready to start birth control pills for IVF #1. Around 10:30 PM, my friend Miranda found me on the floor of my closet sobbing. Gross, snotty, can barely get out your words type sobbing. What a great friend I have! Even though she had no clue - she wasn't even married yet and no clue about the pains of infertility - she sad with me and let me cry and cry. I told her how it wasn't fair. From the outside, it looks like I have everything. Beautiful home, great family, wonderful job...but I felt so empty inside. That was a true low point in my life. Later, when everyone left, I remember asking David if I would ever be happy again.
So fast forward back to the Halloween party. I had a good friend there who has been having trouble trying to get pregnant for almost two years now. It dawned on me that she sat in the same shoes I did just a few months ago. Pregnant people (me) and mommies everywhere. I realized that she is probably, at this very moment, wondering if she will ever be happy again. While I was thankful for the reminder that being pregnant is the biggest blessing I have ever had, I wish I didn't need it. I wish I just knew all the time how wonderful it is. Migraines, nausea, exhaustion, weight gain, back aches, being a party pooper all the time - it is wonderful. I woke up the next morning and checked the heartbeat, and I couldn't help the tears pouring out of my eyes. I am so incredibly lucky.
My first baby, Spike