Nearing the starting line

My favorite nurse, Michelle, called me today to check up on me. Awww......
And she made my appointment for my baseline u/s!! It is Thursday! If I am sufficiently suppressed (which I should be, what, with 8 + weeks of birth control and an extra progesterone pill and 10 daily units of Lurpon), then I will start Follistim on Saturday!! YEAH!

I am so excited and ready to see how this will all pan out. I don't know why I am just so certain that I will become pregnant with this first IVF cycle.

In other news - work is getting pretty interesting because of a wacky co-worker I have. She is probably getting fired, and I know she needs to leave the company because she is nothing but a giant distraction, but I am a little sad about losing our entertainment. Sigh...

Home is where your IVF meds are

I thought I would show off our beautiful home! We love it here so much! PS - why the title? Because my life revolved around IVF, so how could I even have a post without it?

View from the front

Great room

View of the formal living room

Loooking into the kitchen

Our bonus room upstairs!

These are just a few to get your curious! If you want to see more, come visit me!! : )

Crappy day

I am having a sad day. I think I built my “start” to IVF up a little too much. It was a small shot, and all it did was make me have hot flashes last night. Like drenched. I had to change shirts in the middle of the night. Then, of course, I woke up freezing. All part of the fun.
But I am just sitting here at work (yes, I should be working, and no, I don’t need that pointed out to me), thinking, this is not the life I want to be leading right now. I don’t like my job. I am very careful to not use the word “hate” because I know I have a good thing going here. I have fantastic friends who brighten my life, make me laugh daily – several times a day even, and generally just make me happy. I have great benefits, although no infertility coverage. I have a great 401K plan. They have this amazing fitness center and I can go work out on my lunch break every day – take aerobics classes, walk on the track, or use one of the state-of-the-art cardio machines…you get the picture – why would I leave this job!! I am getting beside the point. The point is that I am not happy where I am. I love my life and the choices I have made. I am glad David and I decided to get married when we did. That was right. I am glad we built a house and moved in. It all feels right, except my job.
Okay – what if I only don’t like being at my job right now because I am want a baby and I know when I have a baby I will quit, at least for a few years. Do I only dislike my job because I really don’t want one at all?
So yeah – this is just rambling, but basically, I am stressed and sad, and don’t know how to make myself feel better. I know tomorrow is a new day. I guess I just really feel in limbo right now. And it is making me very upset. I hate feeling like I have no control over my choices. But I don’t – because I have no idea what is going to happen in the next few months.

Drumroll please...

I am about to go take my first Lupron shot. I am so excited, although I know I am going to be let down. It is a tiny insulin needle, and I am taking 10 tiny units of it. I guess it is symbolic though. Like the Iditarod in Alaska - they ceremonial start is in Anchorage, although that is not when the actual race starts. It signifies the beginning of something great, rich in tradition, a true competitors sport, something that only the strong can survive. Kind of like IVF. Well this shot is my ceremonial start. The real competition doesn't begin until August 2nd, when I start stims, but today I am letting my body know that my team (David, my RE, and me) aren't giving up without a fight.

Schools ouf for summer...Schools out for-ever

Or is it? Lately I have been thinking I want to go back to school. No, I’m not crazy, I am just not crazy about my job. I love my company, the people I work with, and I couldn’t ask for a better boss…but it is the actual job that I have that I don’t like. I am not interested in it, I don’t feel like I am doing anything meaningful, or at least not meaningful to me. I help geologists make maps and load data so they can find oil and gas. Important? Yes. Relevant? Yes. But meaningful to me? Not really.
So I am in the oil and gas business, and let me just say that business is good. Why would I quit this great company with all the benefits? Because I am not passionate about my job.

Here is the problem: What the hell am I going to study? I really don’t know what I want to be? My favorite classes in college were history, communications, sociology, and psychology. I do have a degree already, so maybe I can go back and get my masters? But in what? THAT, my friends, is the question of the day. What do I want to be when I grow up?

The Last Supper...and other random thoughts...

Since I start Lupron on Sunday, David is taking me out on Saturday night to celebrate, and have one last chance to booze it up in a fancy restaurant. I am going to eat great food and drink lots of cocktails, because as of July 20th, I am off alcohol until I deliver a baby or get a negative beta. So until either the end of August, or beginning of May. Wow.

I realize that this makes me sound like a bit of a lush – but I am not. I just like to drink wine when I go to dinner, and we go out with our friends often. We still have many friends with no children.
I need to go to the store tonight, but am avoiding all grocery stores like the plague until the magazines with slutty Jamie Lynn Spears are not on the cover. Please, can we glorify teen pregnancy just a little bit more? How nice if all teen mothers could leave the baby with a nanny and fly first class to NYC when the baby starts cramping her style. Oh, and I am just glad they are getting married. I would be shocked if the shot-gun marriage between a 17 year old spoiled brat and her red-neck 20 year old soon to be featured on “to Catch a Predator” boyfriend doesn’t last. Shocked. That is the stuff that great love is made out of.

So anyway, I will have to hope that the ingredients to make my dip for my wine party on Friday night magically appear at my house. Or I am going empty handed. I’ll just inform them that since my uterus is inhospitable, so is my kitchen. There is a great conversation starter at a party.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life

Every Monday I start a "healthy eating plan." I know I am not the only person guilty of this. Every Monday morning, I have fruit for breakfast, and don't even look at the Panera bagels sitting on the counter. I almost don't even smell the warm cinnamon crunch bagels, dripping with hazelnut cream cheese. I pretend I am deaf when Rachel asks me if I want half of her Asiago Cheese bagel. And I eat strawberries. By Tuesday, I still have my resolve, but I admit it is usually fading by then. So I casually throw in some wheat toast. No butter. Oh Gosh no. Wednesday comes, and I think, okay, what is some whole grain cereal going to hurt? Nothing! I mean it is whole grain. It is good for me. I am probably going to lose weight just thinking about eating something whole grain. Thursdays are tough. I usually spring for the bagel on Thursdays. But I mean it is one day. One day! I have been eating sooo healthy ALL week. One bagel is not going to hurt anything. No butter or cream cheese though. Well, maybe just a little. On one side. What is one side going to do? But, really, if I am going to put it on one side, I might as well just put a ton on there, and start over the next day. Well, I might as well get the cinnamon crunch. If I am going to do badly, I might as well go all out right? I have to do bad today, so I can do good tomorrow. Of course. But the comes Friday, and a vendor brings us breakfast burritos every day. But no, Megan, you brought your fruit. I am just going to sit in my office and read the news while I eat my fruit. I snicker thinking of all those sitting in the break room, wasting calories on a breakfast burrito. If only everyone was as strong as me, we wouldn't have a weight problem in our country. BUT, I am kind of being rude sitting in here and not being with everyone. I'll just bring my strawberries in there and make conversation. Just be social. "Hey Megan, want me to get you one while I am up?" "Yes, please, I'll take two."

So there that goes.

But TODAY. Today is going to be the first day of a new plan. I have to do it for IVF. I know how important it is. I started with my strawberries this morning...

I am going to get in to this blogging thing...because of peer pressure, I guess...

It seems that every infertile person I know has a blog. Why is that? Is it to connect with other infertiles? Is it just to get their thoughts out there? I don't really know, but it can't hurt. I am not even sure if any person wille very read this, but I guess that isn't really the point.

My sister-in law (brother's wife) delivered their perfect baby girl yesterday. I though I would be sad when I went to the hospital, but really, I wasn't. I was thrilled. She is beautiful. I had tears of joy seeing her and the happy parents. I hope they know how lucky they are. They wanted to get pregnant, had sex, and nine months later they delivered their baby girl. What a concept! If you would have told me a year ago that when Hayley delivered her baby, I wouldn't even be pregnant, I would have bet you one million dollars. Seriously. But alas, I am starting Lupron for my first IVF cycle. WTF.

I keep telling myself that if I don't get pregant, it will be fine, because I have this great fall planned, and I will be able to really enjoy it if I am know knocked up. We are going to San Diego the first weekend in September, then Seattle the next, the of course with OU football season, we have all those games, OU vs. Texas, Big XII championship, then we go to Vegas every New Years, then I figured we would try again in January.

But I don't want to have fun weekend trips and drunken tailgate parties and crazy Vegas nights. I want a family.