Stages of grief

I feel like I will never get out of this. Today was an okay day, though. I only cried twice. I went to work and actually got some stuff done. I did spend most of the afternoon chatting with a friend about the stupidity of most when it comes to dealing with another's loss. We bonded over our shared encounters with people who were very familiar with God's plan. Apparently, her having a baby now, and me having my twins now, just wasn't in His plan. Where do you find a copy of God's plan? Is it printed somewhere? I would really like to see this, so I can be sure that my surviving baby is going to be okay.
Anyway - back to my point...
I feel in such an awkward place. I am pregnant. Wasn't that the goal of all of this? Wasn't one healthy baby what we wanted? What we paid over $45,000 for? Shouldn't I be happy with that? There are so many people out there still struggling, and I did it on our first try of IVF. I just keep thinking about what might have been. Was this baby a girl or a boy? I wonder if it would have loved golf, just like David. From the beginning, I imagined this baby to be the shy, quiet one of the two. Would that have been correct?
I am having a hard time grasping the concept that I am never going to know.