Tuesday, February 15, 2011

"You make this look easy"

I have been getting this a lot lately. It shows me that I don't really talk about the hard parts. But believe me, they are there.

The boys suddenly decided (a while ago, actually) that they wouldn't tandem nurse. They freak out and scream, then Jack is too heavy for me to balance with one hand. But by this time, they are too hungry for me to decide who to nurse first, so I have to give them a bottle. Then pump. All the while, trying to keep Paige entertained and out of trouble. And keep my cool and not get frustrated with the boys for not just nursing in the first place.

So now, I just try and catch them before they get too hungry and nurse one at a time. They are pretty efficient eaters, so it takes around 10 minutes a baby. Easy, right? Well, yes. But it doesn't always work that way. For reasons I'm going to ask God when I meet him one day, sometimes they will nurse and get half way through their feeding, then decide to stop. And scream. So I have to pump and give them a bottle for the rest of the feeding. You can imagine how long this takes for 2 babies. And washing the pump parts. And entertaining Paige and keeping her out of trouble.

I won't let these troubles deter me from breastfeeding them and keeping them formula-free*. I will press on. But it certainly isn't easy.

Something I also don't talk about is the guilt. The twins don't get the same attention that Paige got as a baby. They spend a lot of time in their bouncy seats/playmat. I don't get to hold them while they sleep very often. I don't get to spend hours on end rocking them. Bath time has to be fast because there are 2 of them, and I am often doing it alone. When I stop and get down on the floor to play with them, they smile and coo at me, and it breaks my heart because I wish I could spend all day doing that. But Paige has to be taken to/from school. She needs books read to her, snacks prepared, twinkle twinkle sang, she wants to go to the park, be chased, tickled...of course these are all things I love doing. But I am just one person. I feel like I fall short. All the time.

I love my life and wouldn't change anything, but it isn't easy.

*let me be clear and say that I have NOTHING against formula-feeding, whether by choice or necessity. Paige was formula-fed from month 3 on and she is the healthiest and smartest kid I know. Breastfeeding the twins simply was/is something that is important for me.


Kenneth said...

first time commenting here but had to say you aren't falling short-- EVER! as long as your three babies are fed and loved, you are doing a FINE job! I really don't know how you do it all! great job, mama!

Emily said...

oops, i was still signed on as my husband for that first comment. didn't want you to think there's a creeper named Kenneth following your blog and calling you mama.

Lindsey said...

You are doing a great job Megan!

Yes it is different that your time with Paige but, it is still equally as special.