Sunday, April 24, 2011

Truth

I love having this blog. I like that there is a place I can put all my pictures and stories - a great way to help me remember all the happy times I have with my family.

I know some people use blogging as a way to get out all their frustrations. I don't do that. I sit down and eat massive quantities of mexican food for that.

But I want to tell the truth. I'm struggling right now.

I feel lonely so much of the time, even when I'm surrounded by family and friends. I feel the weight of raising these kids on my own, even though I'm far from doing it alone. My husband helps. My parents help. I hire help. But when Jack won't nap, I feel like its on me. It stresses me out. When Braley cries to be held, and everyone tells me to just let him cry, get to him when you can, etc. etc...I am the one struggling.

I know this comes with the title of mom, but all the help I have gets to get away from it. David gets to go to work. It is a Sunday, and he goes to work. My parents go back home. My babysitters leave. And I am dealing with it all. And I feel alone.

I feel like Braley is behind in his gross motor development. I feel guilty because I don't get on the floor and encourage him enough. I don't help him enough. And instead of getting down and doing something about it, I sit in my bed and cry. And stress about it. (he is napping right now, but I digress...) Who does that help?

And I've done this dance before. I know that every kid develops at their own pace. And I know that Braley gets plenty of interaction, tummy time, and he will roll over when he is good and ready. So what the heck is my problem?

Sometimes, I even think the unthinkable. WHY didn't we space this out more? We were in complete control. David and I are both intelligent people. We knew exactly what we were doing and walked in with our eyes wide open. And I know the stats on elective single embryo transfers. We had 5 day blasts. We could have had these boys one at a time. This would be so, so much easier.

I think the healthiest thing for me to do is to just acknowledge that it is hard, make a commitment to doing the best job I can, and enjoy the good times that we have. Obviously we have good times. Far more than we have bad times.

But things get really hard sometimes.

9 comments:

kim said...

Hugs, pretty mama. Raising twins is no joke. It's HARD. One of the hardest parts for me is trying not to compare their milestones, etc. both with each other and other kids their age.

I bow down to you for handling most of this on your own, WITH a toddler. You are super mom in my eyes. "Complain" away. You're doing a great job.

Alyssa said...

:( I know it's hard. I don't have twins plus a toddler, but I do have one baby plus a toddler (14 months apart).

For me the worst is definitely that everyone else gets to go to work, or go home, but I'm here alllll the time.

My 18 month old is being very very cranky lately, and I know it's normal, but some days it makes me want to scream and run away. Some days I live for the moment my husband gets home and I can leave the house for a couple hours.

All I can do is offer her food, put her down for naps, play with her when she wants me to, and ignore the unnecessary whining in between. And if both my kids are up, I have to handle one at a time. Sometimes that means Jack (my son Jack) cries for a couple minutes while I get Hailey a snack. Or maybe Hailey whines while I'm putting Jack down for a nap. But I know that is all I can do, so I don't feel bad about not being Super Mom with 18 arms.

Also, while Jack is rolling from belly to back now at 4 months, my Hailey didn't do ANYTHING (sit, roll either way, etc) until 7-8 months old and she's completely caught up now. I know you said it in your blog, but you're right - all kids develop at their own pace.

Feel better, Mama!

(may post twice, error first time)

Lindsey said...

Big hugs. I know how I feel with jsut one baby - so I couldn't imagine doing it with two infants and a toddler.

No matter how you feel, you ARE doing an amazing job. You love your kids with all of your heart, you provide for them, and you would do anything for them. Keep reminding yourself that.

But, I hear you on the anxiety/ feeling alone/ stress of it all. I'm right there - to the point where I know I need to do something to help myself.

I'm always a call, text, or email away!

Kelly said...

I can totally relate! I have three month old twins and had a meltdown like that on Friday. Being a full time mom is the most challenging, yet wonderful job.
I love reading your blog and think (by what I read) you are doing awesome. You can totally see the love you have for all three of your children!!
Hope you have a great week and know you are not alone :)

The Guddats said...

I am a new twin mommy and can relate to the feeling of being overwhelmed. I don't even have an active toddler to chase either! It is obvious that you love your kids. Bad parents don't worry about failing their kids...good parents do. You're doing a great job. This blog will allow your children to know exactly how much you love them.

Kristi said...

(((hugs))) I think you are doing a great job with the twins and a toddler. I have 17 month old b/g twins and it is very hard sometimes not to compare them. My little boy finally started walking only 4 months later than my little girl. Yes, I know mine were preemies and everyone would say boys are slower than girls but it just really got to me. And I too felt/feel alone sometimes when everyone else just goes on. You are doing a great job! Sorry you are feeling down but hang in there! You are not alone:)
(And I love to read your blog...its one of my favs!)

WantWait&Pray said...

From one twin mama to another.....this is NOT easy! Nothing about this is easy. Enjoyable, rewarding...of course. But hard.....ABSOLUTELY! And you don't just have twins, you have a very young daughter.
What you feel....it's normal. It doesn't matter if we've had a wonderful day, when one of my twins won't nap or wakes up from a nap early....it feels like the world is ending.
I will tell you that I have two VERY different twins and their development has been VERY different. So don't stress about one of your sons development, compared to the other. My twins are 11 mos, Hudson crawls, Harper does not. Harper says "mama, dada" and lots of other sounds, Hudson does not. Different kiddo's, different development timeline....it's hard when you're raising two at the same time to wonder why one is doing one thing and the other refused or can't.
Best of luck. Just do what you're doing and be honest with yourself, with your husband, family and take a break if you need one. A pedicure, a massage, an afternoon walk/trip to the bookstore and coffee. It always makes me feel like a new woman when I've been able to sneak away, even for just a short short bit.

Jamie Dearle said...

Megan you are doing an amazing job! Being a Mom is hard and being a stay at home Mom is even harder! As hard as it is, just try and relax! Paige is a wonderful little girl and the boys are amazing! They are happy and healthy and this is mostly because of the amazing job you are doing! Everyone worries about their kids... I worry so much about Hads not talking just yet (as much as others) then I remember your blogs about Paige and her late talking, your fears about that... and see her now and she is perfectly normal. It brings me so much peace... Braley is just an "observer" right now but he will be a "do'er" in no time. :)
Hang in there! You are great!

Callie & Gerod said...

Big hugs sent your way Megan! I dont have twins and a toddler, but I do know what your going through in the Mommy Blues dept. I often feel the way your describing. Its so much harder than people on the outside can even begin to imagine. I wish parenthood came with a manual sometimes, it sure would make things easier. :)
Sending love your way Momma! Hopefully you have had a better week! Just remember you are doing a great job and your family appreciates all that you do! :)