I know some people use blogging as a way to get out all their frustrations. I don't do that. I sit down and eat massive quantities of mexican food for that.
But I want to tell the truth. I'm struggling right now.
I feel lonely so much of the time, even when I'm surrounded by family and friends. I feel the weight of raising these kids on my own, even though I'm far from doing it alone. My husband helps. My parents help. I hire help. But when Jack won't nap, I feel like its on me. It stresses me out. When Braley cries to be held, and everyone tells me to just let him cry, get to him when you can, etc. etc...I am the one struggling.
I know this comes with the title of mom, but all the help I have gets to get away from it. David gets to go to work. It is a Sunday, and he goes to work. My parents go back home. My babysitters leave. And I am dealing with it all. And I feel alone.
I feel like Braley is behind in his gross motor development. I feel guilty because I don't get on the floor and encourage him enough. I don't help him enough. And instead of getting down and doing something about it, I sit in my bed and cry. And stress about it. (he is napping right now, but I digress...) Who does that help?
And I've done this dance before. I know that every kid develops at their own pace. And I know that Braley gets plenty of interaction, tummy time, and he will roll over when he is good and ready. So what the heck is my problem?
Sometimes, I even think the unthinkable. WHY didn't we space this out more? We were in complete control. David and I are both intelligent people. We knew exactly what we were doing and walked in with our eyes wide open. And I know the stats on elective single embryo transfers. We had 5 day blasts. We could have had these boys one at a time. This would be so, so much easier.
I think the healthiest thing for me to do is to just acknowledge that it is hard, make a commitment to doing the best job I can, and enjoy the good times that we have. Obviously we have good times. Far more than we have bad times.
But things get really hard sometimes.