Tuesday, January 20, 2009

A new facet to my craziness

Isn’t it amazing how much songs can trigger memory? For me, my recent life is divided into two parts: infertility and pregnancy. I can listen to a song, and it immediately takes me to one of these two parts. I listen to my ipod pretty much all day long – it is the only way I can really focus and get things done at work. I love putting it on shuffle – I have songs accumulated from over the years, and there really isn’t one song on there that doesn’t either make me remember the pains of infertility or the joys of pregnancy.

There is a George Strait song that I will hear, and remember driving to Center for Reproductive Health. It was raining that day, and I decided to take a different way because I thought there would be a lot of traffic. I was feeling hopeful that day. It was my baseline ultrasound for IVF. I was so ready to get started, and couldn’t get to that office fast enough!

Any song by Kenny Chesney. April 2008, I was told there were really no other options for me besides IVF. In addition to the $20,000 we had already spent trying to make a baby, we were going to have to pay $25,000 more for the shared risk program. I had completely lost my ability to cope with daily life. I couldn’t deal with normal interactions with people anymore. I was put on anti-anxiety pills, and that helped out some. I went to see the Kenney Chesney concert with a good friend, and for that one night, I remember actually feeling happy. It was a reminder that I had things in my life to help me cope with this bump in the road.

Carrie Underwood – Just a Dream is another big one for me. It was my theme song of the summer last year. I could not listen to it without crying, but like the masochist I was, I listened to it every chance I could. Carrie totally gets me.

I could go on forever.

I had a mini-break down last night. I call it “mini” because it subsided fairly quickly. It had been building up since Sunday. I hadn’t feel Paige move that much all day, then Monday, I felt nothing. I mean nothing. No flutters, no kicks, no little shakes. I cried on and off during the afternoon at work, then got home, checked her heartbeat (it was perfect), ate dinner, then laid down. I ALWAYS feel her if I lay down after eating. Nothing. I got up and took a bath. I ALWAYS feel her while I am in the bath. Nope. I got out of the bath and just lost it. I was sobbing. David was great, and laid with me, and told me it was okay, and she was just turned the other way, and did his best to reassure me. Once I collected myself (took about three or four minutes), we went to the couch to watch Intervention. I laid down, and she immediately started kicking. Break down over. It is just bringing me back to those Kenney Chesney days…I feel out of control of my emotions. I can be fine, then a thought takes over my brain, and I can’t cope.

Someone needs to start a pool on when I am going to be institutionalized.


Jeff and Kerry said...

Oh God, I hear you on the songs. I'm like that, too. And I'm also with you on the being completely freaked out when I can't feel the boys moving for a while. I didn't feel them once for an entire day and a half, and I went ballistic. I cried the ENTIRE drive to the OB's office, and the freakin' minute I laid on that table, those little brats started moving.


Callie said...

I am sorry you had a break down... I know what you mean having thoughts take over though. You think one thing, and then its ALL you can think about until you can somehow find a way to make sure all is well after all. I think the doppler is for a sure a saving grace, I know it helps us all cope, because when you hear that wonderful beating heart you know that everything must be okay. Its hard not to let emotions get the best of you. I think mine take over me just about all the time! You have a lot of people thinking about you... just know that! :) Especially me!! Keep your head up, and know that Miss. Paige is doing great... and before you know it you will get to FINALLY meet her and see that beautiful face!

Jill said...

You aren't going crazy! Music is how I relate to so many things as well. Everything is going to be okay. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. ((hugs))

The Frasiers said...

I totally know how you feel.. the Carrie Underwood song gets me everytime!!! HA!
And stop worrying, Paige is going to be perfect!!