Reflections

Last 4th of July was so hard for me.  I will never forget that night.  We had a big party with all of our friends, a margarita machine...the works.  A bunch of girls were sitting out on the patio talking about babies.  Only three of the girls had kids, but for some reason, it was all anyone wanted to talk about.  Pregnancy, babies, how excited they were to have babies, how they were going to have them at such and such time, names, thoughts on returning to work, etc.  Everyone had opinions and things to say except me.  I just sat there thinking, what can I add to this conversation?  Well I just paid $25,000 and started birth control pills for a cycle of In Vitro Fertilization.  It wasn't anyone's fault, don't get me wrong.  I am not/was never upset with my friends for talking about this kind of stuff in front of me.  And it wasn't anything new - it seems like talk always migrated to babies when us girls were all together.  But for some reason, this night, it really got to me.

After too many margaritas, I found myself sobbing on the floor of my closet.  I didn't come out until almost everyone was gone.  This was truly a low point for me.  In just one year, I did IVF, became pregnant with twins, lost one of them, and had my sweet Paige.

Reminders like this are good.  When Paige is frustrating me and being difficult, I remember that this year I will spend the 4th holding my baby (in her cute Ralph Lauren 4th of July outfit!) instead of spending year #2 sobbing in my closet.