I would like to introduce my boyfriend...

The one and only Bob Stoops. I have such a school-girl crush on him. It is pretty ridiculous. I am pretty sure half the women at the OU game today will be lusting after him, but I don't mind, because I know he only has eyes for me. I hope he doesn't' mind that I am very bloated and feeling a little gassy. I don't think he will - we are going into our 9th year of being in this relationship. He has let me down in the past (can't seem to win a major bowl game anymore), but I know this year is our year.

BOOMER SOONER!

And Bob - I'll meet you after the game.

387

My new favorite number. I am pregnant! I am actually pregnant. I can't believe I am pregnant.

I go for an ultrasound and repeat blood work on Tuesday, just to take a peek at what is going on. RE thinks I might have 2 in there, but probably not. I know that it is probably best if there is just one, but sometimes I think it would be nice to have two. I am happy that decision is not up to me. All that matters to me is that by May, I am a mommy.

Tomorrow is the first OU (University of Oklahoma - SOONERS!!) game. About 7 months ago, I told my friend Miranda that I don't care how it happens, I just better be pregnant by the first OU game. My first positive beta ever was 2 days before the first game. Interesting...

Impatiently learning how to be patient

I can’t believe beta day is tomorrow. I honestly can’t believe I have made it in one piece. In the last few months, I have cried, screamed, pleaded and made deals with God, threatened violence against my husband, mother…generally anyone who pissed me off at any given time; I have been hopeful, I have been certain that I am not pregnant nor will I ever get pregnant, I have decided that we are doing adoption after this because I can’t possibly go through IVF again, I have called my nurse and asked her to pencil me in to cycle in October…yes this is all done by the same person. Me!

At around noon tomorrow, I will know. What I will do with that information is beyond me. Will I be thrilled with a high number (I know it will be positive because I have been testing positive for almost a week)? Or will it cause me to only freak out about the second number? If it is low, will I panic? Or will I trust that there is a force greater than myself out there with a big master plan and I will someday end up living happily ever after? I am certainly going to try, because if I don’t, I am afraid I will have heart failure before day break tomorrow.

If you don't watch out, I will probably pee on you...

Because I have peed on everything else in the house. I have now taken 5 home pregnancy tests in 2.5 days. I have a problem. Still decisively positive. I just don't know what to think right now. I am worried about getting too excited before I know anything definitive, but when you are staring at 2 huge lines or the word pregnant, how can you not get excited? These are things my infertile eyes have never seen. Every time I take a test, it takes me a few minutes to process the information.

I think part of the problem is the fact that I am so used to being infertile. That has been my life since 2/26/07, the day I walked through my RE's doors for the first time. People have to be sensitive around me. People understand I might avoid events if they are going to bring their babies. People rarely email me pictures of their kids (with the exception of one...grrrr....). How are people going to treat me now? To be quite honest, I'm not exactly sure how to act or feel. I have thought about little else (well, that, and about decorating my home, which is finished now). I feel like David and I talk about infertility all the time. We talk about the current cycle we are in, how we plan to approach the next, and how "I'm having a really hard time lately."

I just hope I can get out of this slump and feel excited once I get a beta. Please. I am so sick of being the poor infertile girl.

BFP!

Not a very clear picture - but as you can see, I got a bfp on a digital and FRER on 8 dp 3dt, then again on 9 dp 3dt. I am in shock. I am trying to get excited about it, but I just can't picture this actually working out. But for now, I guess I am pregnant : )

In a wildly optimistic gesture, I am going to put a ticker in my blog. I am going to enjoy this as much as possible.

Just a Dream

I love Carrie Underwood. Her new song, Just a Dream, hits on so many emotions. It is very powerful, and the video is beautifully done. I think it relates to people on so many levels. Obviously, I know that what the girl in this song is dealing with is so different that what I am dealing with, but I think it all comes down to one basic thing: this can't be happening to me. I hear stories about couples who try for years and just can't ever have babies. I knew about infertility when I was young because my neighbor was an RE (who happens to be mine now). But I never thought that would happen to me. I never thought I would have trouble getting pregnant. Then I never thought that clomid wouldn't work. After that, I never thought that injectables wouldn't work. And now, dealing with the possibility that IVF didn't work, I can't help but think that this has to be a dream. There is no way this is happening to me. I know there is hope that I might be pregnant. I haven't even tested yet, but I just have this gut feeling. My mind keeps trying to over-ride that negative feeling by saying "you had a great embryo and your progesterone is high. Don't give up." My mind keeps softly callling out to my heart, convincing it to come over to the positive side. I'm trying to tune that out, because I don't want to get my heart broken. I am just trying to protect my heart.

http://www.mtv.com/overdrive/?vid=263454

Check out the video. If you don't cry, there is seriously something wrong with you : )

I like to grab my boobs at work.

How else am I supposed to check to see if they are sore? And, as you know, when you are pregnant your boobs get sore. I don't know if they hurt because I keep poking them, or they hurt because I am pregnant. We shall see.
I have my progesterone and estrogen checked tomorrow. Hopefully we see some nice, high numbers! If they are, I will probably test Saturday.
I still feel nothing. No cramps, I am not more tired than usual, and I have had no spotting. Yes, I also run to the bathroom to check every 30 minutes or so at work. I am pathetic.

Why do I want to be a mom?

Because I have such a great one. She is the best mom in the world. I can talk to her about anything, and I know she listens to me and cares. We love to gossip and laugh. I can't imagine my life without children because I can't imagine not sharing the love I have been given by her.

We talk on the phone all the time, but during this IVF cycle, she has called me every day just to check on me. She tells me every day she is thinking about me. I know she is just as nervous about these results as I am.

Sooo...on to tonight's update:
I am 4dp 3dt. Equivalent to 7 dpo. I am a masochist, so I plan to test this weekend. I hate myself already. I feel nothing. Maybe some minor cramps, but I wouldn't have noticed had I not been DYING to notice some cramps. Honestly, I don't think I am pregnant. I am hoping I can cycle again in October or November at the latest. This really sucks.

Wait, wait, and wait some more

I am only 2 days past my 3 day transfer, which would put me at around 5 days past ovulation. I won't test until I am 14 days past ovulation. Or 11 dp 3dt. That is quite a ways to go. My beta isn't until Friday the 29th, which is 14 dp 3dt. When my RE told me that, I wanted to ask him if he had a big plate of crazy for breakfast. Who waits that long? I mean, if I'm not pregnant, that just means I have to stick myself with a 1.5 inch needle in the upper hip for 3 extra days. I originally decided to not test before the beta, but knowing that it isn't until 4 or 5 days past when I would get a positive on a home pregnancy test, I have decided that I am going to.
I got sick last night : ( Like throwing up. I have no clue why. I was in a wedding, and had a tiny sip of champagne to toast the bride, but nothing but water at the reception. I just go so sick, and I am now totally freaked that I puked my embryos up. Not really - but it did make me worry. I know that it is fine, they are safe and sound still floating around in my uterus. Like little astronauts. Then they find where they want to stick in about 4 days, and they start to grow there! So I am pretty sure getting sick didn't disrupt their floating.

L is for the way I love to obsess about embryos

I was listening to the CD I made before David and I got married in my car today. The one I made to help me decide what songs I wanted played at our reception. We had a band play - kind of a jazz/big-band type thing. Well we decided on LOVE for our first dance. You know, L is for the way you look at me, O is for the only one I see...
It occured to me then how much our lives have changed. But really, I have just traded obsessions. First, I was obsessed with the wedding. We got married in Maui, and it was beautiful. We had a lovely reception at home a week later. Then, we immediately started building a house. Drapes, furniture, tile, paint...you get the picture. All my energy went in to making this house perfect. And it is. It is amazing and I love coming home here. Well you know how it goes - first marriage, then a home to call your own, then a family. Well the last 18 months have been spent working on that last one. And yes, you could say that I am obsessed.

Our transfer is today! Yes, it is 4 AM and I can't sleep. Surprised? We go in at 12:20 for our 12:30 transfer. I need a full bladder. We will put 1 8-celled grade A, and 1 8-celled grade B+. Not bad. Actually, pretty good. Then my mom is taking me home for 24 hours of strict bed rest. I am a bridesmaid in a wedding on Saturday, but I will just take it easy. All will be fine. Beta (quantitative pregnancy test) is the 29th. After the craziness of this cycle, it really does look like I will make it out alive. Hopefully with a baby, but if not, I know I will survive.

Reality is a 4 letter word

I was so optimistic with my 18 eggs yesterday. In my dreams, we would have 2 perfect blasts to transfer, and 4 or so make it to freeze. In reality, here is the breakdown:
16 mature
9 fertilized with ICSI
2 are good, 4 are fair, and 3 are fair/poor

This means that we are certainly doing a day 3 transfer on Friday - not even a chance of making it to day 5. It also means there is a slim to none possibility of any making it to freeze. I hate reality. I wish I could live in my fantasy for a few more days.

I know that it only takes one. I know we are blessed to have any fertilize. I know we are lucky to have 2 that look good at this stage. I am aware of all these things, but the point is that it isn't what I wanted. It isn't what I expected. I just want to scream. I can't be happy about those two embies. I know I should - hell, they could become my kids. I will try. I will try to be happy, and be patient, and wait for the phone call tomorrow for my update. Please, God, please watch over my embryos. Everyone else, please pray for my embryos.

Scrambled or Over-Easy?

We got 18 eggs today!! I could not be more thrilled with this. It is the perfect number - not too many, not too few. I am anxious to hear the fert report tomorrow. We will either be transferring Friday or Sunday, depending on the quality and quantity. They give you some rock star drugs there. I was totally giggling as they wheeled me into the operating room. Then, when I came out of it, I (in an anesthetic haze) asked the nurse if they were scrambled or over easy. I don't think she laughed, as I am sure she has heard that one before. Oh well, I thought I was funny.

Its weird - I keep saying, "I'll feel better when..." First, I thought I would feel better and more confident when I made it to trigger. Then I just knew I would feel better once I made it to egg retrieval. Now, I am pretty sure I will feel better knowing how many fertilized. I finally realize that I will only feel better once I walk out of the hospital with a baby. Then comes a whole new set of worries. When does it get easy? When will I enjoy life again?

At least for today, I am trying not to worry, and just rejoice in the fact that 18 of my eggs are in the best lab in the state, getting ready to give it up to 70 thousand or so sperm. Sluts.

The end is near

Whatever the results are of this IVF cycle, I am just glad it is over. I am so sick of the uncertainty, the stress, and the tears. I just want it to be over. I trigger tonight, and retrieval on Tuesday, then it really is out of my hands. I will not drink alcohol, and really lay off caffeine and intense exercise, but that is all I can do. I can pray, I can ask others to pray for me, but I can't force those embryos to implant. Believe me, if there was a way to do it, I would.
So here is where I let go. All I can do is hope for a miracle.

Beverly Hills, 90210

First, a quick update: my e2 after 2 days of stiming was 93.1. I am going strong and steady, so I have kept on the 75 iu 2x/day of Follistim and 10 units of Lupron. I have my first follicle scan by internal ultrasound tomorrow morning. YAH! Moving right along!! I am now thinking I will take my trigger shot (to induce final maturation of the eggs) on Saturday and my Egg Retrieval (ER) will be on Monday. Then my Embryo Transfer (ET) will be 3 or 5 days after that.

For tonight's main topic: my favorite show of all time. I mean you've got it all: cheating, boyfriend stealing, lies, drug abuse, over-dose, pregnancy, miscarriage, abortion (fake-outs), alcoholism, murder, corporate corruption, friends, enemies...what else could you want in a one-hour TV show? Nothing. I had to subscribe to Soap-Net (yes, I hang my head in shame) just to get 90210. They have 2 episodes A DAY. I am trying not to watch them this week so I have a full day's worth of activity the day of my ER and ET. I am very much looking forward to Matt and Kelly fighting because he is trying to get a death-row inmate who rapped and murdered a woman clemency, Kelly pondering forgiving the parents of the man who rapped her (and she subsequently shot and killed when he later came in to her store), Gina and Noah running and after-hours strip club, and Donna - being the innocent victim she always is - is mistaken for a hooker and (insert gasp here) goes to jail, and David giving his radio listeners bad, angry advice because he has been hurt by Gina and Dillon. Man, that is good TV.

Baseline ultrasound

I have never seen my ovaries so quiet before. I have PCOS in a big way, so at every ultrasound, I see at least 30-40 2-10 mm follies. Yesterday, I had about 10 2-5 mm on the right, and no PCO on the left. HOLLA for Lupron! Now I just hope that it didn't OVER suppress me. I hope that my 200 units of Follistim I start on Saturday and bring me back! Ahhh, always something to freak about.
I have had drama at work, so it has been a distraction, albeit not a nice one. One of my co-workers has gone off the deep end and is pretty much making life miserable for everyone around her. It is just bad all around. But at least it gives me something else to think about - momentarily.