I'm siiiiiick

And not about the Sooners loosing - although that makes me feel very sad. I started feeling pretty crummy last night during the game - sore throat, stuffy nose, groggy, etc...then I woke up this morning to a 100 degree fever, no ability to breathe through my nose, a pounding head, and a sore throat. When by much needed body pillow fell on the ground, I reached down to get it (with the lights off) and proceeded to smack my face on my nightstand. Now I have a swollen nose, some nice black marks under my eyes, snotty tissues everywhere...

I read that when you are pregnant, even the common cold will knock you out like this. Your body loses its ability to fight off infections easily because it doesn't want you to treat your baby as an infection. Or something like that. Either way, this absolutely sucks.

Uggghh!!! I just want today to be over. And to feel better tomorrow! I am supposed to go to a fitness thing up at work in the morning for 4 hours, then go to a friends 30th birthday party that night. So whatever this is, it needs to pass! I have started to feel a little better throughout the afternoon - I got up, started some laundry, cleaned the dishes from last night, and now I am on here. But I can start to feel the lightheadedness coming on, and I need to go take my temperature again. If my fever isn't below 100 by the end of the day, I need to call the doctor back. So back to bed for me...

At least this has distracted me from the sickness I will no doubt feel about my beloved Sooners losing. Again.

New Year, New You

I am getting sick of hearing this. I get emails about it constantly at work. What was wrong with the old me? Sure, I eat too many processed foods (just eat too much in general), hog the remote, can be a brat when I don’t get my way…okay – maybe there is some room for improvement : )

I have thought long and hard about a New Year’s resolution I can do. I don’t normally do them, seeing as people don’t really stick with them. But I’d like to make a positive change this year. The things I am considering:

1. Be more diligent about folding laundry right after I wash it
2. Stop putting off getting highlights, and actually do them every six weeks like I always say I will
3. Find new recipes and cook dinner more often
4. Eat dinner at the dinner table

These would all be very positive changes. These things are certainly not earth-shattering with real significance, but small steps that just might make for a happier, more peaceful life.

I’ll start small, and by the end of the year, maybe these will just be habits of mine!

We had a wonderful time in Las Vegas. Shopping, sitting at the spa, body treatments, eating…just perfect! But I, the camera fanatic, didn’t take many pictures! We have just been so many times, that the sites aren’t spectacular to me anymore, so it never dawns on me to whip out my camera and document the moment. But always when I get home, I wish I had! Oh well – use your imagination.

I had not one, but two random strangers make comments about me being pregnant. I thought I had died and gone to heaven! It was so much fun!

Next OB appointment: tomorrow. My goal: to have only gained 3 or 4 pounds since last time, per my OB’s recommendation. Too bad I am headed to my brother’s to watch the Texas game and eat fajitas…

Stay tuned for that one!

Week 22/23 bump pics!!

Getting ready to hop in the shower and head to VEGAS baby!! But I think it is safe to say that I actually look pregnant! I almost feel like I look a little too pregnant for being just 22.5 weeks. Well, we'll call it 23 in case anyone asks!

'Tis the season to be merry

This time last year, we were headed to Las Vegas, as is our New Year’s tradition. I desperately wished that I was pregnant. But I wasn’t (and my sister-in-law was). I had just finished the last of two cycles of “trying on our own” after my lap surgery. I got my period a few days after Christmas, and knew that I was going to be starting Clomid again on cycle day 5. That happened to be the last day we were in Vegas. It is so funny to look back now at all of that. Before I started blogging, I kept a written journal. I was so optimistic almost every step of the way. I just KNEW that surgery was all I needed and this extra boost of Clomid was all it was going to take. Now, I am actually glad I was able to be so positive the whole time. I was always excited about the next cycle.

Once again, we are headed to Las Vegas to ring in 2009. I am the perfect “amount” of pregnant right now. I am feeling great, lots of energy – perfect for traveling! This is how I always pictured it would be.

Christmas was great. We went to College Station to be with David’s family. We had to run to Wallgreens one night to get some ice cream, and I had a weird feeling of déjà vu. Last Christmas, we went to that same Wallgreens – to buy pregnancy tests. I had a feeling I might be pregnant. We know I was not – if you refer to the first paragraph, you will see I got my period a few days after Christmas and started a Clomid cycle in January. This time, I sat in the parking lot while David ran in, just grinning knowing that I was going to be eating ice cream in a few minutes and not peeing on a stick. Then staring at said stick, willing a second line to come up.

I also got to open some fantastic presents. Poor David, though. I don’t think anyone told him that when you get married, your wife dictates a lot of the big gifts you receive. The first year we were married, it was finishing the collection of our Vietri dishes. Last year, it was luggage. This year, it was:

That’s right! A pack ‘n play and a travel system stroller. And TONS of fun girlie clothes. Have I mentioned I am really excited we are having a girl? In all actuality, he was actually pretty excited about the gifts. He can’t wait for his little girl to get here.

I hope everyone has a safe New Years! I hope 2009 brings peace and happiness to those so desperately searching for it, like I was last year.

PICTURE TIME!!!

My niece, Ava, with my cute husband, David.

From left to right - Beefy Griffith, Spike Griffith

Bump pic! Week 21/22

I am starting to feel her kick now! It isn't every day, and it is normally just at night, but when I do feel them, they are strong! It is such an amazing feeling. We saw the movie 4 Christmases yesterday (I DO NOT recommend!!) and she was kicking the whole time! I think she was saying, mom - why are you seeing this dumb movie! I got to spend some great time with my mom and David though, so it was worth it!

Christmas is almost here - and all keep thinking is how thankful I am for my great husband, family, and baby girl Paige.

Merry Christmas everyone!! I hope everyone gets what they wish for this year : )

Fun game!!!

The object of the picture tag is to:
1) Choose the 4th folder where you store your pictures on your computer


2) Select the 4th picture in the folder


3) Explain the picture4) Tag 4 people to do the same



NO CHEATING!(cropping, editing, etc!)

This was from OU vs. Texas 2006! We won that year - BOOMER SOONER!!! This was the first year we were married. Little did we know, just a few short months later, we would discover we were infertile and embark on one very crazy ride! : ) I believe this was taken outside the Cotton Bowl, by my lovely mother. This was fun, Thanks Callie!!!

I tag Erin...
http://teamcorbin.blogspot.com/, sorry, I can't do tiny URLs. I am pretty sure Erin and Callie are the only two people who read my blog regularly, and I am okay with that!

OH, and Jill...who just got her BFP from IVF #3!! YAY for Jill!!!

http://desperatelyseekingspawn.blogspot.com/

Bump pics - 20 weeks

This is 20 weeks - in clothes

20 week tummy

20 weeks tummy - after breakfast haha!

Getting bigger for sure! I love love love it!

Exciting stuff for me that no one else really cares about

Picture I ordered for Paige's room!! You have to check out this website: http://www.maryjackstudios.com/site/page/pg4052.html
Beautiful things! You can't tell from this picture, but there are tiny sequins sewn on the actual canvas. It is really cool.
We also ordered wall letters to be made, but their stupid website won't let you copy pictures from there. A link will have to do!
http://www.dimplesanddandelions.com/product_details.asp?Product_ID=8921
Ours will say Paige! I guess that means we have for sure settled on a name! Paige Braley : )

It is also safe to say that I have fully embraced this girl business. I am having so much fun getting ready for her arrival! I was meant to have a girl!

How do I let go of the fear?

You would think being nearly 20 weeks, I would feel better about this whole pregnancy situation.

I have had 7 ultrasounds. One was with a perinatologist not even two weeks ago. All I have heard is how wonderful this baby girl looks. I feel so optimistic and happy, and am just glowing with excitement. Then something happens. I don’t know what it is. I wish I could pin point the exact moment or trigger that sends me into a panic. A sweating, heart-pounding panic. I am sitting in my office today, and all of the sudden, I start thinking – what if she just stopped breathing. Would I feel it? Would I cramp or spot? What if she isn’t breathing right now and there is nothing I can do about it? I didn’t check the heartbeat on my Doppler last night because we got home so late. We went to a basketball game, and didn’t get home until 10:30. What if she stopped breathing yesterday? Should I not go to step today? Should I go home and check the Doppler?

So here I sit, paralyzed with fear. And out comes google. Evil, evil google. It is almost like I step outside my body, and watch myself googling “miscarriage at 20 weeks.” Why am I doing this? I know the answer. I know what I am going to find. Stop, Megan. Just stop. But I keep going. I google “signs of second trimester miscarriage.” I go through the check list: no, don’t have any bleeding. Nope, no contractions. I haven’t smoked or drank. Just when I start to feel better – I read “sometimes there are no signs of a late miscarriage. Sometimes it just happens.” Tears are now coming down my face. What if it just happened and I don’t even know it?

Then I start thinking about all the people who told me I should be feeling clear movement by now. Why can’t I feel her? Shouldn’t I be feeling her by now? Nevermind the fact that my doctor told me it is totally normal to not feel things yet.

Is all of this worry irrational? I really don’t know. I don’t know if it has anything to do with infertility. Or the fact that I already lost a baby. Or maybe it is just that I love her so much, it makes me ache.

Every day is not like this for me. In fact, most days aren’t. Most days are great. Most of the time I am not a ticking time bomb. I know that all I can do is try to take care of my body the best I know how. And pray.

I always thought once you get pregnant, it gets easier. Then I thought, once I see a heartbeat, it will be easier. No, once I get out of the first trimester, it will be easier. WHEN? When is it going to get easier?

But after all of this, I have come to a decision: My love for Paige is greater than my fear of losing her. My love for Paige is greater than my fear of losing her. My love for Paige is greater than my fear of losing her.

Of this, I am certain. This is the only truth I can hang on to. Nothing else matters.


I came straight home from work, went right for the Doppler, and found her beautiful heartbeat right away. I feel so blessed right now!

Pregnancy lull

I am kind of in a boring part of pregnancy. I know what I am having. I am not quite feeling movements yet. I am kind of showing, but not really.

I hope this little lady starts kicking me soon! She is so active on ultrasound, and when I get her on the Doppler, I can tell she is jumping all over the place. So I am really anxious to start feeling it! Sometimes I think I might be feeling something...only to discover it is just gas. Lovely.

My last OB appointment I had only gained 2 pounds...up 3.5 for the whole pregnancy. I am eating EVERYTHING! I am exercising almost every day, so I am sure that has something to do with it. My OB was actually happy, she says she would much prefer this to having to tell her patients to slow it down. I have a feeling the weight is really going to start coming now. Thank you, Sonic. And Pillsbury Cinnamon rolls. And Cookies n' Cream ice cream.

LOVE thinking pink!

My whole life I knew I would be the mom of boys. Especially when I was trying to get pregnant, and I would imagine it working - I would imagine myself with a baby boy. Or twin boys. Or adopting a baby boy. I wanted to name him Jack, after my grandfather. I must admit, my heart sunk for a few moments when she said, "It's a girl!" I have had 6 people give me ultrasounds and tell me I am having a girl. A tech guessed that at 13 weeks, my OB confirmed that at 16 weeks, a (different) tech confirmed at 17 weeks, (yet another) tech confirmed at my peri appointment yesterday, and the peri himself again said, "yes, you are having a baby girl." I get it. I am having a girl.

My oh my, how my attitude has changed. I am going crazy with pink, polka dots, toile...you name it. I am so happy to be having a baby girl! Nothing to do with infertility - I mean everyone is thankful to be pregnant, I am just so beyond elated to be having a girl. How lucky am I? I can't imagine not being pregnant with a girl. I am so excited. So excited, in fact, that I ordered bedding.

I am going with the pink and brown thing. I don't care if it is trendy right now. I love it! My mom got me a brown with pink polka dots glider, and a chocolate brown ottoman. Beautiful! Should arrive in 6-8 weeks. Same with the bedding. I am now looking for a girlie chandelier and maybe a night stand. I am having so much fun with this.

So much to be thankful for!

What a difference a year makes. Last year, my one brother and his wife announced they were expecting. I was happy for them, but truth be told, it felt like a knife in the gut. I honestly couldn't breathe. I just couldn't believe that it wasn't me making this announcement. After all that time, I was not even close.

I was recovering from a lap surgery with ovarian drilling (which did nothing for me - goodbye 15K), and we were going to "try on our own" until the first of the year. Of course when I say try on our own, I don't mean sex in your bedroom when you feel like it. I mean, I would go to the RE on cycle day 13, if I had a follicle (sac that holds an egg on the ovary) greater than 18mm, I would take a shot of hcg to induce ovulation (the trigger shot), and go home and have sex. If I did not have a follicle ready to go, I would come back one week later and check it out. So our trying on our own wasn't free, wasn't relaxing, and wasn't fun.

So with my family celebrating the happy news of my brother and sister-in-law who got pregnant on the first month, I knew I had an appointment with my RE soon, he would tell me to have sex, and 14 days later I would get my period. And cry. And scream. After all the clomid, injectables, and surgery, I felt lost.

And never in my wildest dreams did I think that it would take me all the way until AUGUST of the next year to get pregnant. 30,000 more dollars, two injectable cycles, and a cycle of IVF.

Why did I label this negative post so much to be thankful for? Because I AM thankful. I am so thankful for the journey. I cry every day now because I feel so blessed. I will never forget where I came from. I will never forget the tears. I am forever grateful for all the pain I experienced. Last year, I felt lost, alone, jealous, bitter, completely unhappy. This year, I am going to spend black Friday shopping for my baby girl. I am not sure that anyone could feel as blessed as David and I do this holiday season.

BIG news!

We are having a GIRL!!!!!! We are very excited with this news! I have always wanted a little girl! She said she is 100% sure, and it was even obvious to my mom, who hadn't seen an ultrasound since my older brother Kirk was in-utero. It was clear as day. David and I are thrilled. What was even more exciting was that baby looks perfect. Her head, heart, kidneys, spine, everything!! Just perfect! I got a DVD of the entire session, and I just keep watching it. Baby girl is flipping all over the place, waving "hi!", putting her little hand up by her face. It was so funny - when we were looking at her girlie parts, she put her hand down there to cover it up. She was saying "stop looking! Leave me alone!" Of course we didn't leave her alone for almost an hour! What an amazing thing! I was (and still am) just in heaven.

We feel very blessed today, and are happily looking forward to the future with our little girl.

And here - a bump pic for week 18!

It is very fuzzy. I am going to have to get David to start taking them for me, and not me taking them in a mirror. The flash messes it up with the lighting in our bathroom. I think I am getting bigger. I still thinking it is too much Moe's burritos, and not so much a baby girl growing.

Also exciting things are happening in the Big XII south: a three way tie between OU, Texas, and Texas Tech. Each has a claim to the title because each has a win over one. Each has a loss to one. Who should go? Of course, this is all assuming that Tech can beat Baylor, Texas can beat Texas A&M, and OU can beat OSU. If that happens - who will get the south title? I think it should be OU (duh) - but each has a legitimate argument. Will make early December more interesting, that is for sure!

One last thought:

baby names! I like Paige Braley, Ella Paige, Isabelle Leigh, Lilly Grace...

We need help deciding!

Who's life is this?

We have a crib and a changing table! The whole time we were putting it together, I kept thinking - is this my life? No way! I can't get pregnant, why do we need a crib? I know I am driving David crazy...the whole time we were assembling today, I kept saying, "can you believe we are putting together a crib?" "OH my gosh David, are we really having a baby?"

I know he is over the moon excited to have this baby, but it is so different for me than it is for him. I know that all during infertility, he just knew it would happen one day. One day we would get pregnant. Men are so practical like that. One thing doesn't work, try another. Eventually you will get it right. I, on the other hand, always worried it might never happen for us. Not everyone gets pregnant with IVF. But he turned out to be right, thank God! Anyway, my point was that this is all so surreal for me because I had many moments where I was pretty certain it would never happen. And I'm okay with that. It is just making this whole experience even better for me.

The back bedroom used to be closed all the time and I only went in to get paper towels or toilet paper (which we stored in the closet...guess I will need to find a new spot for those!). It was just too painful for me to see that big empty room. David doesn't even know this, but when I was home alone, sometimes I would go back there and just cry. I could never understand how a couple with this huge bedroom ready to put a baby in couldn't have one.

Now I will be crying tears of joy when I walk in that room : )

It's the weekend!

This week flew by. Probably because I didn't have too much going on this weekend to look forward to. But I am oh so glad it is Saturday!
We went to a friend's birthday party last night. We all met up at her house, then David and I went home while every one else went out to the bar. Wouldn't have it any other way! You know how people say you anticipate things and build them up, then when they happen, they are never as good as you imagined? Well being pregnant is so not like that!! All my friends were gushing over my new bump, and I loved every single minute of it! I didn't mind them all touching it. I ate that attention right up!
My clothes are getting tighter and tighter by the day, so David is going to take me shopping for a few things later.
One week exactly until the greatest college football game of this season: OU vs. Texas Tech. I have never been so happy to have a home game! We need every advantage we can get in this one!
BOOMER SOONER!
Two weeks and 2 days until my BIG ultrasound!
I have a feeling these next few weeks will not go as quickly as this week did!

Bump pictures!!! - 15 weeks

YAY! Not that there is much there, but I think is cute : ) These were taken this weekend at David's parents house in College Station, TX. We went down for the OU vs TX A&M game. We killed them!! David and I had a better time than his parents did though - his step-dad is the treasurer for the University. But it was a great weekend, we enjoyed gushing about the pregnancy. Right before we left for the game, I thought I looked a little pregnant in my tight OU shirt and maternity jeans, so I snuck off to their guest bath and got a few shots.

Also in exciting news: we bought a crib and a changing table! Pictures of those to come when the dang thing gets put together (hint, hint David!!)!!

All in all, life couldn't get any better for us right now! I am starting to feel the beginnings of round ligament pain, and it kind of surprises me when I get a pain like that, but I know it is just baby G growing!

So for the bump:

My new life as the DD

We had a Halloween party on Friday! It was a huge success! There were about 25 drunk people (and 2 sobers) at my house. I sat and watched with amazement at how loud people are. How they don't use coasters. How they don't pick little things up off the floor when they drop them. How they throw away their food plate and make a new one if they want more. When everyone (finally) left, I told David - people were way more obnoxious and drunk this year than last. His response? No, you are just sober.

I was slowly realizing through the whole night that I was a much more fun hostess when I was drinking too. And just when I started to feel the slightest bit sad that I couldn't drink, I had a flashback. 4th of July. We had a party. There were pregnant people and mommies everywhere. I was getting ready to start birth control pills for IVF #1. Around 10:30 PM, my friend Miranda found me on the floor of my closet sobbing. Gross, snotty, can barely get out your words type sobbing. What a great friend I have! Even though she had no clue - she wasn't even married yet and no clue about the pains of infertility - she sad with me and let me cry and cry. I told her how it wasn't fair. From the outside, it looks like I have everything. Beautiful home, great family, wonderful job...but I felt so empty inside. That was a true low point in my life. Later, when everyone left, I remember asking David if I would ever be happy again.

So fast forward back to the Halloween party. I had a good friend there who has been having trouble trying to get pregnant for almost two years now. It dawned on me that she sat in the same shoes I did just a few months ago. Pregnant people (me) and mommies everywhere. I realized that she is probably, at this very moment, wondering if she will ever be happy again. While I was thankful for the reminder that being pregnant is the biggest blessing I have ever had, I wish I didn't need it. I wish I just knew all the time how wonderful it is. Migraines, nausea, exhaustion, weight gain, back aches, being a party pooper all the time - it is wonderful. I woke up the next morning and checked the heartbeat, and I couldn't help the tears pouring out of my eyes. I am so incredibly lucky.

We had the OU vs. Nebraska game on Saturday - BOOMER SOONER!!!! Before we headed down to Norman, we dressed our puppies up for the occasion!


My sweet Sooner dog, Beefy!

Momma with her two boys

My first baby, Spike

13 weeks

13 weeks today! I feel like this is a huge milestone. We had an ultrasound yesterday (I love being an IVF patient and getting ultrasounds every few weeks!), and sweet baby was bouncing all over the place. Would not sit still! It was so cute. Measuring right at 13 weeks – so a day ahead! When we had twins, both babies measured a few days behind. I guess there just weren’t enough resources to keep both babies growing strong.
We are so thankful for our healthy, growing baby.


She measured the back of the neck for me. Thick fluid behind the neck can be a marker for genetic disorders such as Down’s. Everything looked great! She was able to get several good angles and take a guess at the baby’s gender!! She guessed...GIRL!!!!!! Of course this is just a guess, and I know I should not get too attached to that idea, but I can’t help it! I am imagining my little baby Paige : ) Of course I would be thrilled if next time she tells me she was wrong. I am just so happy everything looked great.

For the first time, I actually believe I will have a baby this spring.
It is starting to get cold outside, and I told David on the way to work this morning, that by the time it starts to warm up, it will be time! I can’t believe it!

I am going to start taking belly pics soon. I guess I just don’t feel like I look pregnant at all. I know it is so early, so that is normal. I am gaining weight because I eat more and exercise less, but it isn’t in the form of a cute belly. Unless people grow babies in their thighs and hips. But as soon as I see a little bump coming out, I will bring out that camera!

12 weeks (and one day)...but who's counting?

The most dramatic development this week: Reflexes. Your baby's fingers will soon begin to open and close, his toes will curl, his eye muscles will clench, and his mouth will make sucking movements. In fact, if you prod your abdomen, your baby will squirm in response, although you won't be able to feel it. His intestines, which have grown so fast that they protrude into the umbilical cord, will start to move into his abdominal cavity about now, and his kidneys will begin excreting urine into his bladder. From crown to rump, your baby-to-be is just over two inches long (about the size of a lime) and weighs half an ounce. (Taken from my weekly BabyCenter.com emails)

The most interesting part to me, however, was when they said, “you probably won’t need to be in maternity clothes for several more weeks.” What they mean is, if you haven’t basically abandoned working out and don’t eat Sonic every day, you don’t need maternity clothes yet. I am the happy owner of a pair of Citizen maternity jeans, black maternity work pants, and two bella bands. And if someone can manage to pry the bag of Salt and Vinegar chips from my hands, I might go looking online for some more things. I love my pregnant body, and wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world!

In other baby news, we have an ultrasound on Monday. I am taking David with me this time. It is bad luck for him not to be there. I will be 13 weeks exactly, so I am not thinking they will take a guess at the gender. Wouldn’t that be fun if they did!? I am pretty sure we are having a boy, but I’d like the ultrasound tech to give me a second opinion.

Welcome to the life of Megan

I have nothing interesting to talk about - except that I am 11 weeks pregnant - one week away from that coveted 12 week mark! Baby Griffith is the size of a fig now, and all major body parts are completely formed.

Found this on another blog, and I am bored, so...
You have to use one-word answers.

Your hair? Blonde
Your mother? Friend
Your father? Giving
Your favorite thing? football
Your dream last night? none
Your dream/goal? family
Your favorite drink? wine
The room you're in? study
Your ex? traveler
Your hobby? exercise
Your fear? wasps
Where do you want to be in 6 years? content
Where were you last night? home
What you're not? patient
Muffins? Blueberry!
One of your wish list items? crib
Time? Dinner!
Where you grew up? Edmond (Oklahoma)
The last thing you did? feed (my dogs)
Favorite weather? fall
What are you wearing? sweats
Your favorite book? Dickens
Your TV? lifeline
Your pet? yorkies
Your computer? Dell
Your mood? Wonderful
Missing someone? Yes
Your car? BMW
Something you're not wearing? shoes
Favorite store? Neimans
Love someone? Lots
Your favorite color/shade? Red
Last thing you ate? Fritos
Your life? Enviable
Your friends? fulfilling
What are you thinking right now? Hungry
What are you doing at this moment? Cooking
Your summer: IVF
Your relationship status: married
What do you do when you can't sleep? computer
When is the last time you laughed? work
Last time you cried? today

Okay, so I cheated on a few.

Back from the Big D

I use this as my online journal, to talk about my thoughts. I realized on the way home from Dallas today, that I really have a lot to talk about today. First, OU lost. (this was the annual OU vs Texas weekend, if you have been living under a rock and didn't know). The economy is shitty. I miscarried a twin, and spend 95% of my waking moments worrying about the one we still have. My husband didn't even get to come with us this weekend because he had to work.

But I am not going to talk about all those things. I am going to talk about how blessed I am! I got to spend a weekend with my family and some of my great friends, who would do anything for me! I got to spend some time alone with my parents, which I haven't done in a while! It was nice. I got to come home to my beautiful house that we custom built. I get to be very proud of my husband who works hard to provide for his family. I got to go to an exciting football game, which was way worth the price to get in. It was very entertaining, even though my school lost. We still had a great afternoon. And I am pregnant. I got to listen to my baby's heart beating whenever I felt like checking it. Yes, I rented a Doppler, and it was the right choice for me! Baby Griffith was hovering around 176-180 every time I found it.

I have a very enviable life, and I know we must go through hard times to appreciate the good times. I am blessed beyond all belief.

Stages of grief

I feel like I will never get out of this. Today was an okay day, though. I only cried twice. I went to work and actually got some stuff done. I did spend most of the afternoon chatting with a friend about the stupidity of most when it comes to dealing with another's loss. We bonded over our shared encounters with people who were very familiar with God's plan. Apparently, her having a baby now, and me having my twins now, just wasn't in His plan. Where do you find a copy of God's plan? Is it printed somewhere? I would really like to see this, so I can be sure that my surviving baby is going to be okay.
Anyway - back to my point...
I feel in such an awkward place. I am pregnant. Wasn't that the goal of all of this? Wasn't one healthy baby what we wanted? What we paid over $45,000 for? Shouldn't I be happy with that? There are so many people out there still struggling, and I did it on our first try of IVF. I just keep thinking about what might have been. Was this baby a girl or a boy? I wonder if it would have loved golf, just like David. From the beginning, I imagined this baby to be the shy, quiet one of the two. Would that have been correct?
I am having a hard time grasping the concept that I am never going to know.

Devastated

We found out this morning that one of our babies didn't make it. We are sick with grief. I am trying to balance how to be happy with the one baby we have, with the deep hurt I feel for my baby who didn't make it. I heard it's heart beating. I saw it staring at me on the screen. And that has just been taken away from me. We will move on from this - it just might take some time.

Our precious surviving baby was looking great. Heartbeat at a speedy 181 bbp. Measuring right on track. We are so thankful for that. I feel completely blessed, and completely cheated all at the same time.

No real updates yet.

I had my first OB appointment. Good news: we really like her. She was laid-back, to the point, yet didn’t talk down to us or make us feel rushed at all. She is well informed about my reproductive history, so she know we are more anxious than the average first –time parents-to-be. The ultrasound tech wasn’t in that day, so they are having me come back Monday to take a peek at the babies. I am excited, but not terribly nervous. I have a strange sense of calm about me these days. Whatever will be, will be. Que Sera, Sera. Or whatever.

Bad news: the friend I mentioned before, the one who got pregnant, has suffered a miscarriage. I feel so badly for them. This was not a planned thing by any means, but she was thrilled to be pregnant, and only got to hold on to that feeling for a week. She feels silly for being so upset, since they weren’t planning on a baby for a while. I assured her she has every right to be completely upset. Life will go on, but this is still a huge loss. Even though they will go on to have children one day, nothing will ever take away from this little one that they lost. I am very, very sorry for them. Luckily for me, she is a great friend who is still over the moon excited for me. She walked with me through all my struggles. In fact, when she called me to tell me about her miscarriage, her first words were: “how was your appointment?” She wanted to know how it went first before she told me her news. I feel like too many people I care about have experienced pain when it comes to reproduction. I thought it was supposed to be a happy, exciting thing!

No exciting plans for us this weekend. I will update on Monday when I get back from the ultrasound!

Infertility sucks

No two ways around it. It just plain sucks. I am overjoyed that I am pregnant. That is worth repeating. I am overjoyed that I am pregnant, and with twins no less. I am a little worried about my little baby B (we ALWAYS refer to it as a boy...), but not letting that put a damper on my excitment.

I learned a few days ago that another friend of mine is pregnant. I love this girl so much - we have been good friends for a while. She has been there for me through so many things the last 4 years. She stood there and was thrilled for me when I got married, then let me cry to her for almost 2 years when I was trying to get pregnant. She really is nothing but a great friend. So why do I feel so jealous of her? I AM PREGNANT TOO! It was kind of an "oops" thing, but they are married, and really excited about having a baby. I am happy for them, but there is a tiny part of me that wishes I could have had this time all to myself for a while. I know how ridiculous I sound. I sound like a spoiled child. I guess I just wish I could have had sex and gotten pregnant and immediately told the world and been excited about it - but infertility took all that away from me. I hate infertility. It sucks. I am forced to still be cautious. My brain has been re-wired. But all that aside, I think it will be fun to have a friend be pregnant with me. And she really does deserve all the happiness in the world.

Headed to the OU game today. Sooooo excited. Plus, David gets down there much earlier than I do to set up the tailgate, and he is going to get me my favorite food in the whole world and have it waiting for me. If you have never had a Freebirds Burrito, you need to. It is one of those make your own burrito places, and it rocks my world.

Brace yourself, partner

We are having twins. Ultrasound today at 8 weeks, 1 day showed 2 babies and 2 heartbeats. This was our third ultrasound, and they just saw the second one! It's sac is much smaller than baby A's, but the baby is measuring just fine, and had a great heartbeat.
Our heartbeats were 175 and 166, respectively.
We are so beyond thrilled, there are no words. How can two people be as blessed as we. Thank God for this incredible gift.

Thrilled to report we are having a baby!

I think I believe it now! We have a tiny baby with a heartbeat of 116 bbp. RE says this will go up - to as much as 160 bbm! I was measuring 6 weeks 3 days on Thursday, so right on track! They said I am due May 6th, 2009. Sounds like a great time to have a baby! My last appointment with my RE is not this Thursday but next, then the following Monday I go to my OBGYN. I can't believe this is happening to me. I never thought I could get pregnant.

If you have never been to Seattle, I suggest you go. It is so beautiful. We stayed downtown, and did nothing but walk around for 2 straight days! Pike's Market is amazing - all the fresh fruit you can imagine, the most amazing fresh flowers, fish, all kinds of candy...you wouldn't believe it! We had a fabulous time, and the game was just icing on the cake! We went to the game in a boat!! It was so cool. The OU won in convincing fashion. The best part was, I actually got to enjoy this knowing that by football season next year, we will have a baby!

Let me just say that for anyone still trying - it is worth it. I had a very difficult road getting here (although I know not as difficult as some - I am very lucky to have gotten pregnant on my first IVF and I realize that). I think it was so hard for me because my RE was convinced that I would be pregnant on just metformin. Then when that didn't work, he knew all I needed was 50 mg of clomid. Wait, make that 100 mg. Well, how about 150 mg. When all that didn't work, it hit him. I need a lap. And Ovarian Drilling. This $11,000 procedure was all I needed, then I would ovulate on my own and get pregnant! Simple! He was certain. No dice. 4 months later - nothing! Finally we did injectables. 3 follicles, perfect lining, better than perfect sperm on back to back IUI's. This was it, he assured us. NOTHING. I said I am DONE. We are doing IVF. And we did. Amazingly enough, this IVF cycle, with my crappy embryo quality, none making it to freeze, my low 7 dp transfer estrogen and progesterone, he started talking to me about protocols we can try next time to get better quality. I am pretty sure everyone (besides David, lol - he believed all along) was preparing for an October cycle #2. Imagine my shock to have a beating heart in my uterus.

Good luck to everyone still trying. I have faith that God is good and won't let us down.

Second u/s tomorrow

I am excited, terrified, nervous, anxious...
I pray that we see a heartbeat. I am in such limbo right now - I am not excited to be pregnant, because I don't feel like I am. I am not enjoying not being pregnancy (ie, drinking, sexing, running) because I might be pregnant. I might really be in my 6th week. I might actually have a baby May 5th, 2009. Or, I might get drunk on the plane to Seattle.

David and I are going with my parents to Seattle to watch OU play Washington. I am very excited. I love college football. I always have. It is truly amazing to see 85,000 people get excited for one thing. Scream, cheer, high-five and hug total strangers...where else? I am very passionate about my team, and love others who are too. Even if it isn't for my team. To be a fan of something is a wonderful thing. To feel the ups and downs, celebrate victories with your family and friends...or sit in the car in silence when you lose : ) I just love it. I am constantly reminded of how wonderful my life is and no matter what we see tomorrow, the world will keep turning.

That doesn't keep me from being excited, terrified, nervous, anxious...

Out like a fat kid in dodgeball

I am going to San Diego for the weekend for David's uncle's wedding. We are stoked (trying to get in the Cali frame of mind). I will try my hardest to not obsess and wish this weekend away. We are renting a convertible and driving down to Laguna Beach on Saturday! I am so excited I don't know how I am going to sleep tonight!

I am very thankful for this distraction, because when I get back, I have our department golf tournament on Monday, then I only have to work 2 days before my ultrasound! Yah!

Then, we leave Thursday afternoon for Seattle! So I am just so busy right now - I know it is a blessing from God! He is trying to remind me that life is beautiful and I have a pretty good one at that - no sense in wasting my time obsessing about something that I can't change!

When will the two week waits end?

We saw a sweet, tiny sac. In the right place. I am measuring 5 weeks 0 days. You would expect me to be happy, right? Wrong. They called later in the afternoon with my beta. It had a doubling time of 56 hours. That is fine, right? It is in the 48-72 frame, right? Wrong. It should be fine, but it isn’t. Why didn’t it just double in the 48 hour frame? All I wanted was some peace of mind, but now I have to wait until next Thursday (9/11) to get another view. How am I supposed to enjoy my weekend in San Diego? How am I supposed to focus on work? I am so in love with this tiny little thing growing inside me, and I am terrified of it being taken away from me. I can say now that this is the hardest part of the process for me. This is the most stressed/upset I have been. It is like a whole new kind of two week wait. BFN’s are hard, don’t get me wrong. I have gotten my fair share of them, and they always involved me sobbing on the bathroom floor. I know it is hard. The uncertainty of an IVF 2WW was hard. I don’t have to look back at my past posts to remember how tough it was to get through that. But this – this is a whole new level. Seeing the joy in David’s face when I got a positive hpt. Running as fast as I could to his office to tell him our beta was positive, and seeing his face, feeling him hold me so tight – that was a joy I never knew. I can’t imagine having it taken away. I can’t possibly imagine the pain that would bring.

Why am I not being more optimistic, you ask? Truth be told, the tone of this post really isn’t how I feel all the time. I am happy and grateful to be pregnant. David and I refer to the baby as Jack*, and talk about how “Jack wants Chipotle tonight” and “Jack wants to watch FRIENDS tonight.” We are excited. And happy. And thankful for this miracle, and praying with all our might that Jack holds on for dear life. He will be happy he did : )

You are probably confused about this post. Are you happy? Are you sad? When I figure out the answer to that, I’ll let you know.

*No, we have no clue what we are having – just a gut feeling says boy

Once again I hang my head in shame

I took another home pregnancy test last night. I am so nervous for my ultrasound this morning, I just wanted to make sure there was still some hcg in me! I know this means nothing, but it is amazing what seeing two dark lines come up immediately will do for your peace of mind. It is 5 AM and I am awake, so it obviously didn't cure me of all worry, but I did manage to sleep about 7 hours last night.

I tried to not wish my weekend away, wanting today to get here. But I am happy it is Tuesday. I wish I could get my ultrasound and beta, and come back home in my PJ's. We did enjoy the weekend - it was busy! OU game on Saturday, wedding Sunday, golf and cookout Monday! I was pretty slick at the wedding - I had David keep getting me sprite's with a lime so it looked like a vodka tonic. Believe me, if my friends saw that I wasn't drinking, they would immediately assume I was pregnant (and ask me about it). I just drank my sprite and laughed enough and danced just enough so no one was the wiser ; )

So anyway, about this ultrasound, I think we are looking for just a sac. If it is twins, he said we might not be able to see the sacs at this time. Even if it is a singleton, there is a chance we won't be able to see anything. He is pretty certain it is only one due to the quality of our embryos, but you never know. I just know I will freak out if we don't see anything. Then we have to go to San Diego this weekend, and I will once again wish my long weekend away so I can come home and take another peak.